The barnsley joke page

• A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box.
• Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance.
• "Yes" he said. "I"d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"
• The woman said, "That sounds really good and I"d like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you"ll get an outside line."

 

• One day little Johnny needed to use the bathroom really bad, so he rushed on in.
• At the same time his mum was getting out of the shower, and he looked down to see her hairy bush.
• Little Johnny pointed and asked "What is that?"
• The mum thought for a second and replied "Thats my ummmmm, black sponge."
• Johnny was satisfied with this answer, used the bathroom, and left.
• The next day the mother was washing the dishes when Johnny came running up to her, "Mummy mummy can I see your black sponge again?"
• Thrown off by this the mother replied "Ummmm no, I lost it just a little while ago." Johnny was again satisfied with this answer and went out to play.
• About an hour later Johnny came running back into the house screaming, "Mummy mummy I found your black sponge."
• The mother was shocked and replied, " Really.....where?" Johnny pointed outside
• "Mrs. Johnson the next door neighbour is cleaning daddy's face with it."

 

• At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
• He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.
• He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
• She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.
• When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
• "Wasn"t I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
• "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

 

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The Lady Golfer

A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. From then on their games weren't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, 'Yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. "That's easy," she said, "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "That's when I'll be fifteen minutes late."

 

• NEWS FLASH! Major earthquake in Pakistan.500,000 dead.
• Australia sending food.
• USA sending shelter
• Bradford sending replacements

 

• A man ended up in a hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a toy horse lodged in his arse.
• The doctors have described his condition as stable.

 

• What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?..
• Second gear.

 

• Why have we never sent a woman to the moon?
• Because it doesn't need cleaning!

 

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I was sitting at the bottom of our back yard last night, and whilst gazing heavenwards, I watched the moon as it crossed the sky - like an amber chariot.
I saw the stars scattered in space - like diamonds sprinkled on dark blue velvet.
I thought - how insignificant we are compared to the vastness of the universe.I also thought.................
It's about time I got a fcuking roof put on this outside toilet!

 

How about some "ARSEICONS?"

(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that"s been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb Arse

 

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Can't wait for Donald Trump to peel off his face to reveal he's been Sacha Baron Cohen all along.

 

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn't ready for competitive w*nking.