The barnsley joke page

• Doctor: "Mrs Jones, the results of your tests are back, I"m afraid you have Gonorrhea.
• "Mrs Jones (very embarrassed):
• "Er, I think I caught it from a toilet seat"
• Doctor: "Well you must have been chewing it then, it"s in your gums"

 

• I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
• This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out of the window and gave the woman the finger.
• "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here"s why:
• I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
• That"s 96 miles each day.
• Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane motorway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
• That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
• Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I reckon I pass at least another 4000 cars.
• That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.
• That"s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That"s 642.According to Cosmopolitan,
• 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That"s 449.
• According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That"s 98 .And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That"s 33.
• According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
• That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
• Give her the finger? I don"t think so.

 

• Have you heard about the new American radio station called WPMS?
• Each month, they play two weeks of love songs,
• one week of blues,
• one week of ragtime
• and two days of death metal.

 

• A farmer in West Virginia and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
• He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
• She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
• He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."
• He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
• About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says,
• "Well, I"m sure the cow and sheep didn"t, but the way that pig squealed, it"s hard to tell."

 

• I can"t fcuking stand Mark Lawrenson.
• If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed shi*e then I"ll get a girlfriend.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Like most people, I like to do something a little different at the weekend.

On Saturdays I become Jewish, because that's their day of rest.

On Sundays I become Christian, because that's their day of rest.

Then for the remainder of the week, I go back to being a Scouser.

 

Can someone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks.

 

please log in to view this image

 

Accordion to a recent survey, 95% of people won't notice if you replace a word with a musical instrument.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

Life in Rochdale, eh !

 

please log in to view this image

 

• Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?
• Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there.