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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2421
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 6, 2017
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    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2422
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2423
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2424
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Teacher says to little Johnny "For the last two years you have been bringing me a big bag of raisins every week, why have you stopped?"

    • Little Johnny says "My rabbit"s dead miss"
     
    #2425
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2426
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I dress up as Elvis Presley to carry out my armed robberies.

    Because by the time the police arrive, I've left the building.
     
    #2427
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?

    Bravefart.
     
    #2428
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 8, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
    A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
    A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?
    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
    A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
    Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in > Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
    A: You are a British politician, right?
    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and > make good pets.
    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
    A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
    A: Only at Christmas.
    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
    A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
     
    #2429
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 9, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

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    #2430
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 9, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

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    #2431
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 9, 2017
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    RUSSIANS: Want to get away from all the World Cup fuss next June?

    Try a holiday in Wales.
     
    #2432
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Trying to book flights to Moscow for the World Cup next summer.

    All the flights from Heathrow and Gatwick are fully booked.

    Then I found out there are loads of flights available from Glasgow airport.
     
    #2433
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

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    #2434
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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    #2435
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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    #2436
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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    #2437
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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    #2438
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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    #2439
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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    • As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off.
    • Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.
     
    #2440
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 10, 2017
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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