The barnsley joke page

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Will You Still Need Me?
Will you still feed me?

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Hello everyone. Is there anyone on here that knows about drones?
I bought a drone last Saturday at a car boot sale and now that I have a day off, I wanted to try it but I can't get it to fly.
Anyone help?
PS. Since I have no user manual of the drone, here is a picture of it!

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I went up to a fat bird in a club last night and said, "you've dropped something."

"Let me guess," she smirked," your jaw?"

"No," I replied, "my standards, it's five minutes until closing time."

 

Apparently on FIFA 18 to score an over-head kick with your left foot you have to do a 'Stan Collymore'.

Hit the 'X' repeatedly.

 

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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning,
"I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

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I was at a funeral today when I asked the priest for the WiFi code.

He shouted, "Have some respect for the dead."

I said, "Is that all in lower case?"

 

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors?

 

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn"t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It"s a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Buggered if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door sh*t himself."

 

• What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn't a Premiership footballer ?
• 
  
• A virgin

 

• Why do doctors slap new born babies arses at birth?
• 
  
• To make the dicks fall off the stupid ones.

 

• A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
• He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
• Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
• The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
• The next thing the guy knows, he"s in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 stunningly beautiful women.
• He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
• Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in 50 pound notes.
• Next, there"s a knock at the door, so he answers it!
• Standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
• They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb and hang him by the neck until dead.
• As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.
• It"s the two blonde genies!
• One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish..... having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
• I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
• But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

 

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