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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
    Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
    A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
    As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
    'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
     
    #2201
    kiwiqpr, Aug 30, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It's going to take 4 years to get Big Ben up and running again, ridiculous considering they're working around the clock.
     
    #2202
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 30, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wants me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work and she told me to **** off and slammed the phone down on me!

    Something tells me she still regrets letting me name the twins.
     
    #2203
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 30, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I phoned my bosses mobile this morning.
    "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
    "What?" He answered, sounding a bit annoyed.
    "It's 5 o' clock in the f*cking morning! What are you doing on a train?"
    "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"
     
    #2204
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 30, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

    He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled, "F*CK ME!"

    What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my Life.
     
    #2205
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 30, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a safari tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
     
    #2206
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 30, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday.
    There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
    It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
     
    #2207
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 30, 2017
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I have now been asked so many times if I remember where I was when Diana died that I'm beginning to think I'm a suspect."
     
    #2208
    kiwiqpr, Aug 31, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After many years of trying I can finally say the name of that Welsh railway station.

    "Cardiff."
     
    #2209
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 31, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I don't agree with Vodafone's advertising campaign.

    It states, "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community"

    Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the f*cking Gypsies!
     
    #2210
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 31, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Octopus goes into a bar and says, "I can play any musical instrument going!" Someone gives him a guitar which he plays like Hendrix. Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says, "what's wrong, can ye no play it?"

    The Octopus says, "play it? I'm gonna f*ck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"
     
    #2211
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 31, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Andy Carroll on his way to Newcastle for a medical

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2212
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 31, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2213
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 31, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Transfer window now closed.

    Many Liverpool fans will be disappointed that they didn't get Bale.

    But they'll be back in court again on Monday to try again.
     
    #2214
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 1, 2017
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.
     
    #2215
    kiwiqpr, Sep 3, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Got pulled over by the police last night.
    He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?"
    I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints up the pub and feel a bit pissed."
    He said, "That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"
     
    #2216
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 3, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I hate it when people speak to you as if you're a thicko or something.
    Only yesterday I was in the shop buying my first ever telescope when the salesman said, "whatever you do, don't look at the sun through it."
    As if I am going to try and read a ****ing newspaper through a one and a half thousand zoom lens.

    Anyway the skies are blue and I'm just going to get a closer look at that big old yellow planet shining brightly in the sky!
     
    #2217
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 3, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    WILMSLOW CUSTODY SUITE 2:31AM

    Name? Erm......Wain
    Full name? Wain Rooooni

    Date Of Birth? Cant remember

    Address? No its a hoody

    Sex? Er yes please. How much will it be?

    Ethnicity? Errr...... can i phone a friend???

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    #2218
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 3, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After scoring for Brazil, here's Coutinho arriving back at Melwood........

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    #2219
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 3, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    :emoticon-0159-musicPORTALOO, "Couldn't escape if I wanted to!":emoticon-0159-music

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    #2220
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 3, 2017
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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