The barnsley joke page

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate
my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says
'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
the woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
the man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

 

Spanish orders.
A man stopped at a restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid .

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'


The man said, 'I will have the same please.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,


'Si, Señor...... Sometimes the bull wins."

 

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK..
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS:
"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

 

any jokes on here

 

ooh
I don't know
let me see if I can find you one

 

I dont understand jokes

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, whydid you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in ikea ."

 

A mother in-law said to her sons wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son"

The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said...

"I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a ****ing photo copier !!"

 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some booze with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

 

COWBOY BOOTS
> Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots, > so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
> > Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's
> hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging > down again tomorrow." Furious, Robert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S > HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
> "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S > LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, > "Shoulda bought a hat, Robert! Shoulda
bought a hat."

 

any jokes

 

how about this bbh

A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.
One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
"Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"


The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

 

deja vu

 

no point speaking foreign to us northerners bbh
e ba gum
eccy thump
wheret ta whipputs

 

in my boxers of course

 

ooohhhhhhh
doggy porn

 

yep but some prefer doggy style

 

I knew you were going to write that

 

thats what you always say