The barnsley joke page

My Dad said to me, "If you really want something in life, you've got to get out there and grab it with both hands." So I did.

Now the barmaid with the big tits at the 'Rose and Crown' has reported me to the police.

 

What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?

One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.

The other's a tramp.

 

Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Chelsea, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" He asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're **** and we can't be bothered".

Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Maradona goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Chelsea team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows

"Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0

He is beating Liverpool all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.

"Result from Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Sturridge 89 minutes)

They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"

"Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"

 

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I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse,
"I"ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?"
The nurse replied, "whereabout"s is it?"
I said, "I don"t know, it"ll be f*cking miles away by now."

 

There was an old woman from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour her tits were in flower
And her vagina was covered in weeds

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her:
"Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can"t chew them because we"ve no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."

 

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The Internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day, they were called broken biscuits!

 

This anti-bullying campaign in schools is all very well but where is the next generation of traffic wardens going to come from?

 

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed and said

"Here love, I'll change gear for you."

 

After a night out and a heavy session I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning.

As I fell out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said, "Charlie, Whiskey, Tango."

I thought, "how the f*ck does he know what I've been doing?"