The barnsley joke page

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On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

I thought Neymar was just something Geordie lads say to their Mum's when they get asked have they been on the gear.

 

In Holland, sex and drugs are readily available on the high street, often from the same place.

Imagine how disappointed Dutch visitors to the UK must be when they walk into their first branch of ScrewFix.

 

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After almost 5 years of regular hospital visits, tests, ****ing into test-tubes etc, my wife and I are no nearer to having a child.
So we have decided that we've had enough of all this and we are going to take drastic measures.
I'm just going to have to f*ck her.

 

Steve Davis (of snooker fame) pulls a delightful groupie after a tournament and ends up in his hotel room after several drinks...
Desperate to get on with shagging her idol, she strips off and gets on all fours presenting her arse in the air...
Our Steve, not a man to rush... drops his trousers and starts staring at the girls arse, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head...
"Are you going to f*ck me?" shouts the girl....
"Yes, but I don"t know if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown!!"

 

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

 

My neighbours keep banging on our wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music.
"A little respect please!" They shouted.
I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!

 

I'm sure there's a bouncy castle inside our local mosque, everytime I go past there's always a load of shoes outside.

 

I went round to Paddy's house yesterday. I looked up and said, "You've got a high ceiling."

He replied, "Yes, the wife wanted two rooms knocked into one!"