The barnsley joke page

A redneck died and left his entire estate to his widow.

Trouble is, she can't touch it 'til she turns 14.

 

What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

"Don't touch my f*cking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."

 

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

 

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Oxford Street and says, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looks at him and says, "Gosh, I wish I had your willpower."

 

I bet you know someone like this:

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant!!
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"

 

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A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes!

 

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver:

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

 

BBC News: An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert.

A spokesman said "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling."

 

Just heard that Liverpool have had to turn down a £27million sponsorship deal with a leading dog food brand.

A club spokesman said, "Having WINALOT printed on the shirts would be just taking the piss!!"

 

A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a nudist beach...

As the boy walks along the shingle, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, happy with the answer, goes to play in the sea but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the sea to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted,
I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic.
I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes feckin mental....... Women?!?!?!

 

Apparently there's a new sex position called parcel force.

You stay in all day and no-one comes.

 

Did you hear the counselling course for self-harmers is fully booked?

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.

 

A married couple have been together for years.
One morning, the husband is reading his newspaper when his wife tells him "I wish I were your newspaper, then you"d give me your full attention for hours every day."
"Oh, that"s nice darling," says the man. "You know, I wish I could have a wife like a newspaper."
"Oh yes," says the woman. "Because then you"d be able to put your hands all over me every day?"
"No," says the husband. "Because then I could throw out the old one every night and pick up a nice, fresh, new one every morning."

 

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies,
"I"ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you"re still f*cking talking aren"t you?"

 

I was in a restaurant last night and I called the waiter over,
I said "theres a worm in my pie" , the waiter said " I think you"ll find that its fat" ,
I said " its entitled to be , its eaten all the f*cking meat!"

 

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