The barnsley joke page

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Prince Harry has announced that he will be returning to the frontline and has raised fears about his security.

The Taliban has released a statement saying they won"t bother trying to attack him as he has a bad enough life being ginger.

 

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Trump strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;
all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever
heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the
carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but,
the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump:
"Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."

 

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How do you make a Scouser run faster?

Put a DVD player under his arm....

 

I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.

I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.

Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.

I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.

With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.

Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,

"You've ruined my f*cking KFC."

 

I've just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism."

It was f*cking s*it!

 

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”

I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest man ever.

She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”

I said, “Pack your bags and f*ck off.”

 

My mate's just told me he's got his first major part in a play. He's going to play the role of a man who's been married for 15 years.

I told him maybe next time he'll get a speaking role.

 

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Another utterly crap birthday party at my brother's house yesterday.

I know he's a Bomb Disposal Technician, but does it really take 4 hours to open each present?

 

Bookies have started paying out on the British Summer lasting longer than Liverpool's title challenge.