The fake Microsoft engineer thing is a favourite for criminals. I enjoy them. We get lots of phone calls from India from people with strong accents but very English names. 'Steve' phoned yesterday. We have several ways of dealing with them in our house.
a) My laptop uses an external keyboard due to a fight with a cup of tea that it lost. It is a MacBook, but I use a Windows keyboard (a mate gave it to me). I play friendly, super-compliant, but also super-stupid. And so it starts:
Steve: Hello, am I talking to Mr **********?
Me: Yes, good morning.
S: Hello, I am calling from Microsoft Team to tell you that a report shows your computer has been infected by a virus.
Me: (in horror) Oh, no! You're kidding?
S: I'm sorry, no, Mr ***********, there is a virus...
Me: (interrupting, very anxious) What should I do about it?
Steve: Are you facing your computer?
Me: Yes.
S: OK, can you see the Windows key on your keyboard?
Me: Yes, I can.
S: Press that and press the R key at the same time.
Me: Right, fine, I'm doing that.
S: OK, you should see a box has appeared on your screen.
Me: No.
S: (surprised) What can you see on the screen?
Me: Nothing. It's black.
S: Is your computer turned on?
Me: No.
S: OK, so turn on your computer.
Me: Oh, right, give me a moment, it takes a while.
(My Apple turns on in about 20 seconds, and it's old, but I've known Windows computers take minutes. I wait a couple of minutes. I ask about the weather, thank them for helping me with my virus problem, are they at the start of their shift or at the end, how many people have they helped today - usual minicab questions.)
Me: OK, we're up and running. What do I have to press?
S: Please press the Windows key...
Me: Which one is that again?
S: The key with the Windows logo...
Me: Got it, yes, pressing that.
S: Now press the R key... at the same time.
Me: (trying to sound like an amateur defusing a bomb via remote instructions "Cut the blue wire" sort of thing) OK, yes, I'm now pressing those two keys.
S: You can now see a box come up on your screen.
Me: No. Sorry.
S: What can you see on your screen?
Me: Well, it's a picture of my wife and children on the beach last year.
S: Very nice, Mr ***********, but what happened when you pressed the keys? Did you press them at the same time? You must press and hold down the Windows key, then press the R key.
Me: (indignant) But that's what I did.
S: So what happened?
Me: The screen refreshed.
(Pause. He thinks.)
S: Press those keys again, holding down the Windows key all the time, then press the R key.
Me: (a little hurt but still trying to be helpful) OK, done that.
S: Do you have a box now?
Me: No, it refreshed again.
(Pause. He has the marlin wanting to jump on the boat, what's going wrong? Meanwhile, I've had time to think too.)
Me: Does it matter what type of computer it is?
S: You have a Windows computer?
Me: No, it's a MacBook.
S: You said you had a Windows key on your keyboard!
Me: I do! You see I spilt a cup of tea on the computer last year, but I reacted quickly turned it on its end so it could drain and I put it in a bag of rice for a week. Since then, amazingly, the computer is fine and everything on it, but my keyboard is dead. So I plug in an old Windows keyboard I have and... Steve? Steve? Are you still there?
SILENCE.
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Or
b) I quickly give the phone to my 8 year-old, who is fully briefed on this, and a mischievous little bugger. He turns it straight to speakerphone so I can make sure he's alright. He adopts strange Slavic dialect at this point for some reason and answers "Yes" to everything they say. You will whizz through their script like this. His record is 22 yeses! Towards the end the yes answers become incredibly funny. I strongly recommend this action. Sounds irresponsible but I think it's important in terms of e-safety, and general world-savvyness, for kids to realise there's bad people out there who will lie to you to exploit you. Actually, the callers often find this approach funny too and start laughing as the call becomes increasingly absurd.
NB Don't phone them, it'll probably be super expensive, this is for unsolicited fraudulent callers.
Obviously don't actually do anything they say in reality if you do have a Windows computer.
Also, I am absolutely not Mickey-taking them because of their country of origin, this is merely me wasting their time so they aren't speaking to someone vulnerable.
