SOT - Man Utd vs Liverpool Alternative Commentary

25th minute: Citeh could get a few here... Tevez lamps it at the Arsenal keeper, who shall from now on be referred to as Shaky Sniffles, but Shaky Sniffles holds onto it. Man City on top, and with Arsenal's current condition, I can't see them negotiating a more adventurous position from the karma sutra handbook.

 

As you may have guessed at the end of the F1 season, I don't mind a bit of cheating. As someone who regularly sort to gain an advantage with little, pulls, kicks, and a variety of other measures in my playing days, I can't turn my back on the dark arts I couldn't have tried my hand at diving though, I'd have felt stupid.

Neville is the best analyst going but SAF still has a hold on him. He just can't bring himself to be balanced where they are concerned. Then again could you turn your back on someone who plucked you from obscurity and turned you into a highly respected international full back? And gave you the best drunken massages you've ever received?

Great strike by Milner.

 

31st minute: GOAL!!! Dzeko!!!

 

31st minute: Cross by Zabaleta, woeful parry by Shaky into the path of Dzeko, who could literally have walked it to the line, stopped it, stooped down and then done that cocky "wait to see if the goalie will come, then roll it over with the head" bit... He just prods it in though #boringgit

 

In my shame, I probably have turned my back on such a person close to me, and ignored them a bit too much recently at the expense of this forum... Dave, if you're watching, I love you

 

38th minute: Nothing really happening in the game now...

So... what do Arsenal fans get for their ST money? If I paid £1,000 (at least) for a Newcastle ST, I'd want the seat to morph to the shape of my butt, and "hug" me in during the lonely afternoon and evening kick-offs when we're playing awfully. I'd also want a pager, which would be linked to a satellite, obviously, and buzz whenever a bird was in ****ting position above the seat. I'd also want 2 CBs, a winger, a striker, a creative CM back-up and the occasional peck on the cheek from Pardew when I'm feeling blue.

 

43rd minute: Headed off the line by Wilshere with Shaky Sniffles a bystander... Is that going to prove crucial in the game, or, as I very much suspect, has it just stopped me seeing another goal for no reason

 

46th minute: Thomas Voldermort has picked up a booking now for hacking some player or another. Not so tough without your snake, son.

 

Half-time: Called amongst a chorus of boos... I assume they're as perturbed as I am by Wilshere's complete disregard for the neutral's love of goals. Bastard.

 

Do you think Wenger went down the tunnel earlier to make sure he was fully erect and ready for insertion to Mike Deans bumhole? He looked really unhappy with him. He must have seen something he didn't like, which is ironic because normally he sees very little of controversial incidents.

 

Must have his contacts in today!

P.s
Just found out why a ST is so expensive there... it's not called Arse'n'all for no reason... the pitch rotates to unveil a premium London stripclub, Mademoiselle Wenger's cabaret rendition of Gloria Gaynor's greatest hits is a highlight, apparently. Bet AB didn't miss that away match!

 

Second-half: Kicks off...

 

47th minute: Thierry Henry... I mean Theo Walcott , is almost set free by Corzola... Unfortunately, he's offside. The neutral is again frustrated. #bloodystarring*************birdbrain

 

49th minute: If the humble flea could jump like Mertesacker proportionally with it's height, we'd never bloody here that stupid analogy about the empire state building. Dzeko gets ahead of the 18ft tall player to nod over a shot. Think he climbed him like a ladder there

 

60th minute: Thankfully not much happened while I was dining... Here's a short summary of what happened during that period...

Shaky rushed out and made a useless clearance, Podolski came off for the Holy Giroud of Jerusalem (MONTY PYTHON MOMENT: "No that's ok, it's £8 million for the Giroud"... "£8 million, for this Giroud? He's worth 10 if it's worth a sheckle"... "You said I could have him"..."Yeah but he's worth £10 million"... "Alright alright".. "Nooo you have to argue.. £10 million for that you must be mad"), and not much else.

 

67th minute: Man Citeh corner taken short. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHEN A SHORT CORNER HAS EVER WORKED. First step in Gandalf's management handbook is "sign Rajalakso", but the next one is "don't do stupid short corners". Will reveal the others on request.

Anyway, yeah, it doesn't work

 

69th minute: hee hee!!! Everytime...

Shaky Sniffles, you could doff your top-hat (if my aforementioned desires were listened to by the FA) at that, as he saves when Tevez tries to round him. Should have been 3-0 there, but they should also have top-hats and monocles. It's hard to tell which fact is more frustrating.

 

71st minute: The Holy Giroud of Jerusalem nods over when he should score from a well taken free-kick wide right... Yep, let's follow sandals instead.

 

74th minute: REDDDDD KOMPANY

Shocking decision?? He gets the ball! Is it two footed? Game on?

 

76th minute: Slinky-head received a yellow for talking to the ref. The ref seems to be losing control of the game. He's not given a straight red-card this season before today, now there's been two. Never trust a man with two first names, that's what Pa always said.

Tevez has come off... No more fantasy football points today...