SOT - Man Utd vs Liverpool Alternative Commentary

69th minute: Hee hee hee 69... Erm yeah anyway, Gopher-boy (see the upcoming channel 5 documentary in their "sensitive view of freaks" series) sends a sensational pass out to Sturridge, who is clearly intimidated by the mere sight of De Gea, so doesn't look up and subsequently screws his shot wide.

 

72nd minute: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Evra given a yellow. There goes another fantasy football point.

Man Utd don't look quite so good when their own midfield has to provide the chances... Damned unsporting of Liverpool to try, I think.

 

75th minute: Johnson is given a yellow for a similar foul... Unfortunately my brother, who's storming away with the league, took him out this week

Phil Jones on... During this little lull, I thought I'd tackle the "wee club" charge... If anybody is going to be part of a "wee club", it'll be the incontinent 70-odd year old constantly chewing gum...

Anyway, the smell and colour of United's dressing room aside, is Welbeck just a slightly better Sammy Ameobi?

 

80th minute: Sculpted by the Ecuadorian gods of fire and stone, Valencia's top half, almost a sportsperson in it's own right, shrugs Johnson off the ball with the merest ripple, and another promising attack ends.

 

Henderson comes on to steady the ship and secure the points for Utd

 

84th minute: Who wants to bet Hansen/Lawro doesn't mention Man Utd's backline? Primary school football here as Suarez gets through a couple of challenges and into the box, everybody has a swing at the ball, it falls to Sturridge, who once again lifts it over.

 

Howard looks after the Man U players again, good lad. He'll not get his customary post match glass of red.

 

86th minute: Yep, so Webb's done himself out of another 16 months worth of paydays at Old Trafford. Valencia's top half wrestles with Johnson, they hold hands briefly (AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW) before realising they're mortal enemies, Valencia gets ahead and is brought down by Johnson (obviously his bottom half, that top half couldn't be brought down by a combination or asteroids, nuclear warheads and claims about his illegal sex-life a few months after it died). No second yellow. Fergie will have comments.

 

90th minute: Wow, that's almost Michu-esque, that. Little back-heel again from Van Persie, but Reina is equal to it. Good job really, I can't really force myself to put "sexy" and "horse" in the same sentence, unless we're talking the heavenly scent of glue

Fergie time (+4 minutes)? The ref knows Man Utd are winning right?

 

94th minute: WELBECK MOTM?? Gary Neville has clearly been having a sniff himself this afternoon!

Anyway, FULL-TIME. 2-1, pretty decent game, desperately needed that... It was like a nice-relieving rub-down when you're feeling the tension. A nice, warm release, preferably by someone else's hands (I'm talking about a massage you pervert)!

 

Just following pre match instructions from the gaffer who felt Danny needed a boost.

 

Bucked Rodgers

 

I like Neville for one reason, his pre-game tactics analysis is usually more astute than any other pundit. His unrelenting bias for Man Utd, and his refusal to criticise Fergie is just pathetic though... Obviously trying to keep his options open should the "assistant manager" position open up. His speech the other day about "winning is everything, cheat all you want, it's up to the ref to decide", for me, was disgraceful. A sad indictment of the times, and wider society in general, but disgraceful nonetheless. Nobody wants to see their team lose to cheating, and I certainly would rather we didn't cheat to win. Maybe that's why we haven't won anything?

Turns out Vidic is offside for the second Man Utd goal. I don't see how anybody can have any real complaints though, no way could the assistant refs see that (well it wasn't worth risking the safety of their family to see it anyway...).

 

5th minute: Arsenal vs Man Citeh kick-off, and whilst I've been spoilt today with goals, I've now gone 43 minutes without seeing goal ... If only one of these teams would be as suicidal as Liverpool were in that first half... I'm looking at you Arsenal!

 

8th minute: I'm sure that even I, a chap who would almost certainly waste a fortune on Seb Rajalakso and play him at the expense of one of their best players, could win the league with Man City...

RED CARD

 

This is going to be one of THOSE games!

 

10th minute: Koscielny (or however you spell it) is sent off for holding Dzeko as the last man (I presume), a pen is given...

Dzeko hits it down the middle(ish) Sczesny (Wenger doesn't make it easy for commentators, does he?) saves it with his legs, it hits the post, rolls along the goal-line and into the keeper's (**** it) hands!!!! Unbelievable! I now consider yesterday suitable payment for being able to watch today!

 

14th minute: Mike Dean is incurring the wrath of the Arsenal fans... Thoroughly untypical of "the library", which at most is usually more akin to impatient queue tutting than disgruntled chorus, they are giving the ref an ear-full at every opportunity. With so long to go til next Christmas, it's obvious Mike's off their Card list already.

 

17th minute: Scrappy game, but with quality... Odd juxtaposition.

Anyway, while Wilshere is down, the following people are off my christmas card list;

1. @Cwarr07. He's just a twat. And he refused to reply to my tweet
2. @KatmandulikescheesychipsandloosewomentheprogrammenotthesluttytartsIpickupatthediscotheyarejustFreudianmummyreplacements. He's too right about everything
3. Fergie... He called us a wee club, and we have to be upset about it apparently.

 

20th minute: GOAL MILNER... Cracking finish! Taking a free-kick quick, Citeh get it to James Milner, and he thumps it in off the post which had denied them previously. I think it would say it's been quite fair if it were to be interviewed in a "post"-match interview Sorry...

1-0 Citeh.