I think it was Frank Burns who said he'd reached an age that whenever he bent down he had a look round to see if there was anything else needed doing while he was down there...
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him... rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. Does this make him: A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis?
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.... . The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.... . The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
Dave, showed that to one of my colleagues who is Scottish and engaged - she thought it was brilliant and was going to show it to her fiancé.
I had a Scottish near neighbour and saw her spread her husband's nose across his face big time. With her forehead. The classic G K. She's a rabid Rangers fan btw. This story could well be true....
The British Penny European Union Directive No. 456179 In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the euro, all UK citizens must be made aware that the phrase 'spending a penny' is no longer to be used. Henceforth the correct term will be 'EURONATING" It is hoped that this will be a relief to everyone.
Some of the best jokes from the 2015 Edinburgh Festival - according to the Guardian (if that is any sort of recommendation?), These are the ones that amused me anyway. Rhys James Umbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it. Aisling Bea I just don’t have lesbian genes – which are dungarees. Mark Nelson Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. Now, that’s not a miracle is it? That’s tapas. Grace the Child I’m a Buddhist. One of my main goals as a Buddhist is to have the world’s largest collection of Buddhas. Hal Cruttenden Victorians would have been great on social media. They’d have had their own emojis. Open brackets-close brackets means: “I’ve got rickets.” Pippa Evans I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English. Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
