A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting. When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client, "I have some good news and some bad news." The client grumbles, "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news." "Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least £3 million." "Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?" "The two pictures are of you with your secretary."
MUST READ.................. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener, and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.) TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. ( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left) THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (Keep shuddering!!) FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!! FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!! SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away' Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true..
A young farm lad from near Crowley, LA goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at LSU that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!” “That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. “So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks. “Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!” “READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!” “Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives in town?’ The father says, “I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!” “I sure did, Dad!” “That’s my boy!”
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun – "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. Age and cunning will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago.” The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: “You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.” The Nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking “this is incredible. I’ve got to try this again.” Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.” Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.” But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.” She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down! 2. On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'! 3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get. 4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat. 5. Sing along at The Opera. 6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!' 7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....’ 9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is. And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: 10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your underwear to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”
A supermodel, an exotic dancer and a nun walk into a bar. Is that the begining of a joke? No a fantasy.
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbours were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, “You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.” Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the priest rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish.”
