Monday's alternate headlines: Cameron and Clegg wanted for questioning John Buchan's "The 39 Steps" rewritten to allow for wheelchair access Life is too short, says Scrabble player Eurostar admits bus replacement service was 'not a success'
I have read the first thing Gino Pozzo will do with our first Premiership payment is take a few pounds, buy Luton Town FC and close it down. He is expecting change from a five pound note.
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is an opportunity for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions - Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions," but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes off, and the kids go to lunch. When they return to class, the kids sit back down and there is an opportunity for some more questions. Another young girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions. My Questions are – Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell for lunch go off 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"
Monday's alternate headlines: Conservatives celebrate VE Day 2015 Nicola Sturgeon to be made Dame 'for services to Conservative Party' Liberal Democrats to be renamed Liberal Democrat Dyslexic Scotsman votes for knickerless surgeon Ashdown in search for pork pie hat Next Lib Dem conference to be held in bus stop in Brighton
Monday's alternate headlines: Ed looking forward to spending more time with his wife and kitchens Nepal agrees to suspend fracking New Labour leader to be appointed on zero hours contract ‘First pass the toast’ system preferred by Telegraph Readers
