I was thinking today about my Mum, died 12 years ago now, but throughout my childhood offered plenty of advice to set me on my way in the world! When I examine the advice though, I realise some of it was flawed. The main one that sticks in my mind is, "Always wear clean underwear in case you get knocked down by a bus and end up being undressed in hospital by a nurse!!!! If you're walking down the road and see a bus hurtling towards you, your underpants are going to be the first thing to change colour!
Monday Alternative Headlines Police believe dog poisoned at Crufts may have been killed by terrierists Voldemort was a 'beautiful man radicalised by wizard baby', claims group MI6 Scary Insect division issues jihadi longlegs warning Israel not a slave to corporate sponsorship, says Benjamin Netanyahoo
Pinched off t'internet... An old lass went into the Yorkshire Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank manager to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank manager then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The manager was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Bloody 'ell, where did you get this money...?" The old lass replied, "I make bets." The manager then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old lass said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the manager, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lass challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the manager, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lass said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my solicitor with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident manager. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the old lass appeared with her solicitor at the managers office. She introduced the solicitor to the manager and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the managers balls are square!" The manager agreed with the bet again and the old lass asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The manager complied. The old lass peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the manager, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the solicitor was quietly banging his head against the wall. The manager said, "What wrong with your solicitor?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank managers balls in my hand!"
I don't normally like gratuitous bad language, but set to music and sung by a chicken is very funny. Play around at the end and "the alphabet song" and "my girlfriend's name is fanny" also gave me a few belly laughs.
On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped by to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
NASA and the Navajo When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."
Two young coppers radio their station: "Hello. Sarge?" "Yes?" "We have a case here. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean." "Have you found the woman, yet?" "Yes Sarge". "Have you arrested her?" "No Sarge! The floor is still wet."
