My wife has been missing for a week now and this morning the Police told me to prepare for the worst.......... I had to go to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The lead actor in our local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night - to be fair though the audience did try to warn him
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager ã50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his ã50. Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his ã50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye cannie plae it, can ye?" The octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Three men were using the urinals in a public toilet. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction. The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular," At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air. The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."
Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll be wearing Gold tonight" His wife replies "Why don't you go for Silver and come second for a change? "
... and one for Hornette My friend got some new aftershave today - smells like breadcrumbs - apparently the birds love it
A bloke is in hospital with 60% burns. Dr says "give him 2 viagra". The nurse says "do you think that willl help?" The Doc replies "No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"
Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"
A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :- "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills. He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :- "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"
The Short History of Medicine 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Have you read the book... 1. Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont, Andy Didnt 2. Flood in the Bathroom by Won Lang Pee 3. Yellow River by I.P. Freely 4. Jump off a Cliff by Hugo First 5. Sliding down the banister by R. Arse Tornaway 6. Beautiful Behinds by Seamore Butts 7. Butt Fitness by Hugh Jass 8. Love Secrets by Amanda Hugnkiss
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I was driving along when I saw an RAC man at the roadside - he was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable - I thought to myself - "he's heading for a breakdown"
A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" Madam replies "ã60." "Wow, what do I get for that?," he asks. "A baggy green cap and an Australia shirt."
My teenage son became an actor but nearly had to give it up because he kept falling through the floor. Luckily it was only a stage he was going through.
