Apparently twitter is alive with the noise of angry rangers fans. Lots of indignation of course and accusations of collusion with UEFA but the prize has to go tothe one which simply said "I effing hate Poland" Must admit I can sympathise. If Luton went through in a competition on such a technicality I'd be going ballistic!
One has to thank one's lucky stars that the only time that the Vermin were eligible to enter a European competition, English clubs were banned for 5 years! Fnarr, Fnarr..........
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous....... Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated. LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR, 'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...' Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE... "I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?" "LAWRENCE froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already?" The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth. The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says.. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says:- " I'm the goal keeper "
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great Chieftain o the pudding race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As lang's ma airm." HRH is confused, so he smiles and moves on to the next patient, who responds: "Some have meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we have meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickerin brattle..." Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?" "No,"replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."
Alternative headlines for today: Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by 'over-worked' police Ex-Chief Constable 'unaware that Rotherham had a police force' Isle of Wight ‘within 45 minutes of the UK’, warns Blair Flat Earthists on Round The World Cruise accuse operators of cutting corners
A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico. That's about 620 miles from here.' 'Good grief, is that where the job is?' 'No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now..
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
I went to the doctor as I was ill. He asked me to take off my clothes. With one look he said - You will have to stop masturbating. - Why? I replied. - I will not be able to complete the examination. Was his answer.
