IDIOT SIGHTINGS. When I arrived at a car dealership to pick up my car after a service, I was told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. We had to have our garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note. Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
Today's Alternative Headlines Farage triumphs: “The Queen has asked me to form a second-hand car dealership”... Lib Dems to merge with Dignitas Gary Barlow to hand back blue parking badge Michael Gove decides to teach all children himself
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? " "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of? " "I am a Man Utd fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan? " "Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? " Mary smiled, and said "then I'd be a Liverpool fan."
Today's Alternative Headlines: Iran-Nigeria draw in World Cup: both teams to get stoned Retired French postman wins X-Facteur HS2 drivers’ strike scheduled for 2029 George Lucas to collaborate with Tony Blair on new “Start Wars” trilogy
Ãscar Tabárez, "When I said it was Italian for dinner I meant after the game". Luis Suarez, "Sorry boss. My body clock is still in Liverpool and I was hungry".
They're not happy in Gaza ... They're not happy in Egypt .... They're not happy in Libya ... They're not happy in Morocco .... They're not happy in Iran ... They're not happy in Iraq ... They're not happy in Yemen ..... They're not happy in Afghanistan .... They're not happy in Pakistan .... They're not happy in Syria ... They're not happy in Lebanon ... SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia .... They're happy in Canada ... They're happy in England .... They're happy in France ... They're happy in Italy ... They're happy in Germany ... They're happy in Sweden .... They're happy in the USA ... They're happy in Norway .... They're happy in Holland ... They're happy in Denmark ... Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves. THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN! AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM, WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How damn dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother-in-law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys - You cook over burning camel **** - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"??? Well No **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse
As the door slams shut, the lights turned out, poor old Rolf Harris, sits on his bed. He puts his head in his hands and begins to cry. Then a voice from behind him says....."do you think that I would leave you crying, when there's room in my bunk for two......."
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally apologised to, and offered to refund all the expenses of, fans who travelled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction...........
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft.Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him > > "How are you today?" > "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. > "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. > "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. > "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. > "Do you live around here?" She asked. > "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading. > Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" > > With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. > > When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" > The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
If you are easily offended do not watch this video! [NSFW][video=youtube;0doSWS0Fj24]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0doSWS0Fj24&feature=youtu.be[/video][/NSFW]
Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2013. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2013, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2013, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NO COME WORK TODAY Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her mail is addressed: Linda Lykes The Cock Inn ERBUM Tillet, Herts. - See more at: http://www.pomsinoz.com/forum/chewing-fat/89716-true-just-joke.html#sthash.Bgn4LS9r.dpuf
