Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye'tis. Now hand me dat shovel.'
Hardly surprising given the quality of the current line of humour, I was beginning to loose the will to live.
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet . Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?' Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.' DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.' Contestant: 'Brian.' DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?' Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.' DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.' Brian: 'Sara.' DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?' Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.' DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?' Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.' DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?' Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.' DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...' DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?' Brian: 'About 10 minutes.' DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.' Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.' DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..? Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...' DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?' Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...' DJ: 'Uh huh...' Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.' DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' Brian: 'On the kitchen table.' DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: 'Kinkos.' DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?' Clerk: 'This is she.' DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.' Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?' DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?' Sarah: 'No.' DJ: 'Good!' Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?' Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..' DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?' Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.' DJ: 'What time?' Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.' DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?' Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.' DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?' Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Where did you have it?' Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?' Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.' DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?' Sarah: 'Well...' DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..? Sarah: 'Up the arse.....' They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.
TREDEGAR HURRICANE APPEAL! A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Tredegar in the early hours of this morning with its epicentre in Cefn Golau/Attlee Way. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing almos...t £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Brynmawr's BRFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Cefn Golau. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Osborn, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Argos and Bone China from the Pound shop. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White stilettos White sport socks Rigger boots Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans KFC Ice cream Cans of Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine £5 buys ***s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **BREAKING NEWS** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in tomato ketchup and were worried she had been badly cut... "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Attlee Way" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"See more
Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
A passenger in a taxi heading for Dublin Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
The Welsh trying to move on from the 'sheepshaggers' tag? http://www.carsguide.com.au/news-an...oing_out_after_simulating_sex_with_land_rover
David Is To Be Returned To Italy . A bit of cultural news for a welcome change. After a two year loan to the United States , Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy His Proud Sponsors were:
Finding a woman sobbing after she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens....... "That's so clever,” the woman gasps. "How did you do it ?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries bout selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said "He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a company hired a new CEO, and the new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £300 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,200 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
How men and women record things in their diaries. Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. Husband's Diary: A two-foot putt ... who the f*** misses a two-foot putt?
JUST REMEMBER THESE SIMPLE TRUTHS OF LIFE AND YOU WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS! SIMPLE TRUTH #1 Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH #2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated." THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. AND A BONUS RULE: Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!...
