Imagine Jackie Mason telling this one... The Jewish Elbow⦠A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Ladies say the funniest things! I'd been going out with this particular lady for fifteen years, I thought we were getting on really well, then, one night, out of the blue she looks at me and says, "Let's get married!" I looked right back and said,"Don't be silly! Who would have us?" That was 6 years ago, she is still not talking to me!
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old football players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is ? What a team is ?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team ?' The little boy nodded 'Yes'. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when a decision goes against us, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the ref, or call him a dickhead or arsehole. Do you understand all that ? ' The little boy nodded 'Yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or ****head" is it ?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother !'
..............................The History of the Condom, abridged In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
She lay naked on the workbench with just a carrot, a leek and a cauliflower covering her nether regions.............. she called it a vegazzle.
True story apparently, from the American TV show Tonight: Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience, and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal... It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment.... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Cricket Funny: Stuart Broad walks into a bar... only joking. Stuart Broad doesn't walk. Tweet from Russell Moore put on BBC live reporting of 2nd test.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. 'But you have no arms !' 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,'Bishop, who was this man ?' 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied .............. 'but his face rings a bell.'
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.' The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly. 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but he's a dead ringer for his brother..'
