I can relate to that - this is a true story - we once had the auditors in and a particularly fresh youth out of training no doubt spent a morning going from office to office. Eventually someone asked him what was the matter - what was he looking for - he replied that he couldn't find any expensive artwork- we told him that was because we did not have any. Well he said your accounts show you have spent over £100,000 on a painting - no we told him we spent over £100,000 on painting
A new female gorilla, from a rare African species, arrived at Taronga Park Zoo. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problemâ¦the Gorilla was on heat! To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Bruce, a big Kiwi lad & former Navy Man, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery Bruce, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability with the female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Bruce was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Bruce showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bruce announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er." "Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus" The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was⦠"Wull," said Bruce, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
Some yokes from the Easter crackers we had yesterday:- Q. What do Ducks have for lunch? A. Soup & quackers Q.Why was the rabbit rubbing his head? A. Because he had an eggache Q. How do bunnies stay fit and healthy? A. Eggercise I know, but I though I would share them!
Not very PC I know, but here goes. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby. The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick so and so. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
With Maggie pegging it and Fergie retiring, some people should be watching it...there is a Scouser out there if a lamp and one remaining wish....
Paddy and Murphy were looking in the Job centre at the jobs available. They saw an advert for tree fellers. "That's no good for us", said paddy. "There's only two of us."
Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is." Paddy asks, "How do you know?" Mick replies, "Because that's my handwriting!"
Another one from my friend in IoM: A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: “To Fly. To Serve”. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “Winning the hearts of the world”. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: “Going beyond expectations”. The woman looks at him sternly and says: “What the F*ck do you want?” 'Ah!' he says, "Ryanair".
Rescue workers in Bangladesh have found a female survivor three weeks after the factory collapsed. Primark have opened an investigation into her overtime claim.
I did look, but couldn't see a thread for funnies. Please feel free to delete this is this upsets anyone mods. Here's your starter for 10. MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender. ' MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Lower your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake.
Our poor old English language! These are extracts from complaint letters to local housing councils. 1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
How to wash a cat 1. Raise toilet lid and seat, add 10ml pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat, soothing him whilst he is being carried towards the bathroom. 3. Place cat in the toilet and quickly close the lid (You may need to stand or sit on the lid). 4. At this point the cat will self agitate, creating ample suds. Ignore the noises emanating from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet repeatedly - this provides a 'Power Wash' and Rinse. 6. Ask another family member to open the front door, whilst ensuring no-one is between the Bathroom door and front door. 7. Standing to the rear of the toilet, lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak from the Bathroom, through the house and run outside where he will dry himself. 9. Both toilet and cat will be sparkling clean - two jobs done at the same time. Yours sincerely, The Dog
And this is for any musicians amongst you Upscale Bar C, E-flat and G entered a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors. "The E-flat left and the C and G had an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth was diminished and the G was out flat. An F entered and tried to augment the situation but was not sharp enough. A D entered and excused himself to the bathroom, saying, "I'll just be a second." An A entered but the bartender wasn't convinced that this relative of C was not a minor. Then the bartender noticed a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. "Get out, right now!" he exclaimed. "You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The next night the E-flat returned to the bar in a 3-piece suit. The bartender said, "You're looking sharp tonight. This could be a major development." This was the case, when the E-flat took off the suit and everything else to stand there au natural. Eventually, the C sobered up and realized in horror that he was under a rest.He was brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and was sentenced to ten years of D.S. without the possibility of a coda. On appeal, he was found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental ,because the accusation was bassless.The bartender decided he needed a rest -- and closed the bar.
Yes everyone keep it going, I get a good supply of jokes but not all would be appropriate for this outlet.
Sorry if this isn't orginal. At an old buddies reunion, a group of 70 year-old men are astonished to see one of their number, who is now very rich, turn up with a stunning young blonde woman, oodles of jewellery, curves and smooth skin, draped over his arm. "Goodness", one friend says, when the lovely creature trips off to attend to her hair, "how on earth did you manage it? Did you tell her you were 50 or somesuch ? No, " he replied, " I said I was 90"
Nice, Maestro. It's important that everyone understands that in talking of minors here, we mean minor intervals, not minor scales. emoticon<pedagogue>
