A North London police station received this question from a resident through the feedback section of its local Police website: “I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?” In response, the local sergeant posted this reply: First of all, let me tell you this ... it’s not easy. In Stoke Newington and the rural areas of Hackney we average one cop for every 5005 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “general patrols” where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 60000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day. Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink a Costa coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass. PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. “My neighbour is beating his wife” is a code phrase used often. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action. CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It’s lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file. LAWS: When we don’t have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass people. They are called “statutes”. These include the Theft Act, Offences Against the Persons Act, Criminal Attempts Act and a whole lot of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of people to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people. Next time you are in North London, give me the old “single finger wave”. That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can harass me.” It’s one of our favourites.
A classic Tommy Cooper gag: ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''
Not sure that this qualifies as a Tommy Cooper classic, but: A famous Viking returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Where do radio and TV quiz contestants keep their brains? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS ) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? Contestant: France . Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris . THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM ( Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER ) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. ... ... Richard: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er .. ....... Richard: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street ? LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona . Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific.. ROCK FM ( PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta? JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ? Caller: Japan . Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ........... Mexico ? PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland ? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.. Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ? Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er... ..... .. Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . Contestant: Blimey? Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .. Contestant: Walked? THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TID BIT OF TRIVIA.... ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY". MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !" TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.
Ever wonder why elk have such long antlers? It's a man thing - sometimes you just have to scratch them.
Some thoughts for the day:- Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land - Desmond Tutu America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire - Howard Hughes After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box - Italian proverb Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage - Zsa Zsa Gabor You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife - Prince Philip Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself - Harrison Ford The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree - Spike Milligan Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million - Arnold Schwarzenegger We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea - W.H. Auden If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead - Johnny Carson Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap - Steve Martin Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is - Jimmy Durante America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric - Doug Hamwell The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone - George Roberts If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
H may able to confirm this. Sound medical advice from a Rabbi: 1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but harmful if done every day. 2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body. 3. F***ing refreshes you. 4. After f***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids. 5. Try f***ing in bed because it can save valuable energy. 6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level. SO - REMEMBER ... Fasting is good for your health and may God cleanse your mind .
Since sex releases endophins and endorphins are a natural form of pain relief, similar to morphine, women should not be using the excuse of a headache! In fact sex would be the answer!
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." He sees things differently from most of us. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favourite - 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
This is a portion of an ABC (Australia) radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable. Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!! If you think the Horse Burgers in Tesco are bad, wait until you see their Unicorn on the Cob. I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter....I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. Had a Tesco beef burger for lunch. It gave me the trots. Tesco - Every little helps Who they trying to foal? New Tesco burgers: Low in fat, high in Shergar. Horse meat found in Tesco burgers! What are the odds on that? "A Tesco burger, a Tesco burger, my kingdom for a Tesco burger." Quite the big scandal, Tesco are having a bit of a mare. With the Tesco burgers, it's not the 29% horse-meat I'm concerned about. Budget supermarket's burgers found to contain horse meat My lidl pony
A couple you missed, Leo Is it only the mini-burgers that contain horse meat? You know, the horse d'oeuvres Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yea or Neigh? Horsemeat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says it's all bollocks. I had a Tesco burger about two hours ago and I think I've still got a bit between my teeth....
And the (hopefully) final word on Tescos: Tescos have announced a special deal on petrol, diesel and burgers next week - it's called the Only Fuels and Horses deal.
