Puns for Educated Minds 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
[video]http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2122066/Nantes-Erwin-Zelazny-mistake-allows-Chaouki-Ben-Saada-score-Lens.html[/video]
How High is a China Man.. Why are there no phones in China? - there a so many Wings and so many Wongs - somebody might Wing the Wong number...
Comedy at my own expense This was filmed in the capital of the Falkland Islands, Stanley, April 1983 I am the one being interviewed at the fish and chip van holding a can of beer! I thought this clip had died of death! but due to so called mates it has resurfaced [video]http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.itnsource.com%2Fen%2Fshot list%2FITN%2F1983%2F03%2F30%2FAS300383012%2F&h=oAQHD-ZgXAQGRrooSPp9ljUpQtyeOz8p5Eg-NUHwVBOxcUQ[/video]
And resurfaced it shall no doubt remain! Typical Brit if I may say so - on holiday in exotic, foreign climes and all you can think of is beer with fish and chips
A man had been cut up by a taxi driver and as he was walking through town he recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. He got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" he asked him. "That's disgusting" the driver said "Get out of my cab" He got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station?". "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" he asked him. "I'm not having any of that" the driver said "Get out of my cab" He worked his way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until he came to his target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "Ok" he said "Let's go" As they pulled out and overtook the other taxis, he wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on his face. .
I bought a SatNav and as I enjoy the music of the 1980s I had the Bonnie Tyler version. The trouble is that she keeps asking me to turn around and then it fell apart.
Just spotted this on the Daily Mail website, one for the menfolk! [video=youtube;ZkVrA749lG4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZkVrA749lG4[/video]
This is a classic: [video=youtube;aJ0nFQgRApY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ0nFQgRApY&feature=related[/video]
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old chap'. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?' With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. " The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
True story: An Egyptian man who looks like Saddam Hussein says a gang of Iraqi kidnappers tried to force him to act in a pornographic film.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_helpful?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0 Some of these reviews had me giggling!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE. ... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET.... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
