A 5 year old granddaughter is driven to school daily by her grandfather. One morning he had a bad cold. so his wife took her to school. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different. "What made it different?" asked her parents. "Well Grandma and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, prick or ****er anywhere on the way to school today."
[video=youtube;HPyl2tOaKxM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM[/video]Just been sent this, well worth a look:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by? Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues... INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks. Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
I thought the joke at the beginning was funny. http://www.not606.com/showthread.php/127638-Naughty-Leeds-fans
Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words. Lord's Prayer - 66 words. Archimedes' Principle - 67 words. 10 Commandments - 179 words. Gettysburg address - 286 words. US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words. US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words. EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words
Wayne Rooney's autobiography - 30,000+ ...at least 25 written by Wayne himself if you count repeats...
Michael Jackson's doctor is to be released in time to fight for the USA in the olympic boxing tournament. He has got a lethal jab on him to be fair.
I didn't believe my wife when she told me that Davy Jones of the Monkees had died. Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bereaver.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there?" The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could understand her... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'... know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils daughter, the next. I really want to understand her and how she thinks!" The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.... What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every day for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. "with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..... [NSFW] "What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"[/NSFW]
A 54 year old maths teacher is having a fling with his 18 year old personal trainer and decides to tell his 54 year old wife, so he sends her a text: "Dear Wife, just to let you know that I will not be home tonight or any other night. I will be in a motel with my 18 year old lover and not in bed with your sorry arse - so don't wait up for me!" On receiving his text, his wife sends him a text back: "Like you I will not be home either and I will also be in a motel with my 18 year old lover. As a Maths Teacher you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18 - so don't wait up for me either floppy cock!"
Test Your Morals, One Question This test only has one question, but it is a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.. The test features an unlikely, fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. THE SITUATION: You are in London and there is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless and you are trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water who is fighting for his life, trying not to go down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar.... You suddenly realize who it is.... It is the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed bast*rd who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! Here is the question, and please give an honest answer.... Would you select high contrast color film, or Would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
[video]http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3 DM3n3nXUFmA0%26feature%3Dshare&h=HAQHwzjWmAQG1yhmc0agLUNYgLpd9sx4sgyUDJ23I7KF0qQ[/video]
>>> The NZ Met Office issued the following weather warning today, >>> Anyone travelling in icy weather conditions should take: >>> A shovel,blankets or sleeping bag, >>> Extra clothing, including scarf hat and gloves.. >>> 24 hours supply of food ..... >>> 5 kgs of rock salt... >>> Torch or lantern with spare batteries... >>> Road flares and reflective triangles... >>> Tow rope, 5 gallon petrol jerrycan... >>> First aid kit and jump leads.. >>> I looked a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (aziko, fokol). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
