Just saw this on FB, Incredible! http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=htt...QGV_Rr1AQGhgFuI8YqbslIg9z4SVjrDfzEw0cILmVDDGw
The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces. She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations? The squaddie says, "I'd reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!" The matelot says, "I'd reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !" The airman says, "I'd reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask "Who the f*** has put a tent up in my hotel room?"
As it's Australia Day today: YOU KNOW YOUR AUSSIE IF YOU * You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn. * You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something. * You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. * You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional. * You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.' * You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep. * You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. * You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. * You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. * You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. * You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. * You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. * Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course. * You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice". * You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year. * You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. * Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. * You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. * You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. * You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. * Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket. * You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'. * You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. * When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer. * You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc. * You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are. And you know that it's just the other side of the Black Stump. * You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like '!?#. But we let the world think we do. Because we can. * You have, at some time in your life, slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume. * You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it. * You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad. * You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. * You understand what no wucking furries means. * You've drunk your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam. * You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours. * You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie. * You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok!!!!!!!!!!
Circa 1979 Elgin Sheriff Court ,Judge Roy Wilson Presiding. Judge Wilson... So as I gather it Mrs Miller you candidly admit to assaulting your husband with a bedside table lamp to his severe injury? Mrs Miller... yes I do. Judge Wilson...Can you explain why at first thing in morning while in bed you commited this act? ... Mrs Miller... Well, he said get over the bed a bit Mary. Juge Wilson,,,And this upset you did it? Mrs Miller,,,, Yes my names Susan.
Tour Guide: Stonehenge was erected over 4000 years ago. American tourist at the back of the group: Don't be ridiculous. It's only 2012 now.
My brother sent me this. I think it is really American english Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test. "OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents." Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him. Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars. Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries. Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address. "That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer." Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ... Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
What is a Cat? / What is a Dog? What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Dear Dogs and Cats, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..... she finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee: "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey'... she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today'
Agroup of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go withone teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned tothe boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
The other dayI was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hour glass figure barely covered by a tiny miniskirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool upclose to me and sitting down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ...'I'll bet you fee...l good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.' 'Well,I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and Ithought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field,side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... ' "Ahhh....."she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!! She whispered,'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*** ?' 'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, 'Hello?' 'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?' 'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..' Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.' A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy.' 'And what happened, honey?' 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.' Long Pause Longer Pause Even Longer Pause Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ........... Is this 486-5731?' No, I think you have the wrong number........
At a winery, the regular wine taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position and the director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said: " It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." " Why ….that's correct", stammered the astounded boss. Not believing what he was hearing, he gave him a glass of another vintage. "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." pronounced the drunkard. Gobsmacked again, the boss said "Correct." A third glass…"It's a pinot blanc champagne, highgrade and exclusive." calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
If the inhabitants of Paris were to stand in a direct line between Paris and London, four abreast and half a metre apart, a lot of them would drown.
Q. Is there nothing weird or strange we are scared of? A. There is, that why we test drugs and medicine on fluffy bunny rabbits. I heard thisand thought it was funny.
