Two tibetan monks having breakfast. One opens the margerine and sees a shape imprinted in it. Hey look - the face of Jesus he says. I can't believe its not Buddha says the other!
A woman goes to see her doctor, desperate to lose weight.? the doctor tells her about a revolutionary new treatment that involves food being stuck up the bum, instead of being eaten. the doctor admits he's done it himself and lost two stone in a month. the woman agrees to try it. a month later, the woman comes back, very happy and two stone lighter. "right," the doctor says. "i'll give you a quick examination, but exuse me one moment." to the womans amazement the doctor sits down and starts writhing all over the couch. "doctor!" cries the woman "are you ok?" "i'll be with you in a minute," he pants. "i'm just finishing off this toffee!"
The Lie Detector Robot: A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school Dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a DVD at my friends house!" the son says. "What DVD?" asks the father. "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs: "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom! Awkward Silence
On The Consumption Of Alcohol 1. "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and nickers. 3. "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." 4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a ******. 5. "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" 6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it! 1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.) 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping. Like · · 12 hours ago ·
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
e Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. Lenny says "Nick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Really, ..." says Nick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself 'they've lost the plot.' My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.' On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?' Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were shouting *****phile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....His little face lit up when he tried to walk.
This is hilarious -- but meaningful Discrimination!! A Chinaman goes to Woolworth's in Australia. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Chinaman goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Chinaman finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Chinaman goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. The following week the Chinaman comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Chinaman, "What the hell! This is ****, you Idiot !" The Chinaman calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?" MORAL OF THE STORY : DON'T MESS AROUND WITH A CHINAMAN !
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hello darling.This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Steve.'** **After a brief pause,Daddy says,'But darling, you haven't got an Uncle Steve.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy 'That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, darling?' ** 'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Steve?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'
George Michael has expressed sympathy for the Italian liner captain. "I've often had a damaged bottom after a night's cruising", he said.
I went to Weight Watchers last night. Someone opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor...best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen!
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife three times," the Frenchman boasted, "and this morning she made me a delicious breakfast and told me how much she adored me." "Huh," the Italian responded, "last night I made love to my wife five times. This morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Just the once," he murmured. "Only once?" the Italian snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Please stop."
Watford Pro Fifa announce new rule : Any player who passes the ball to Andy Carroll will be immediately booked for time wasting
