How bright is Kylie Minogue. Make-up and Hair style................£500.00 New Dress for the show............£70000.00 Giant Stuffed Bear......................£300.00 Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in your hand..........Priceless!
A 92-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, ' Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Bill replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's helping me out. When I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ******!, the light goes on. When I'm done, ******!, the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife. 'Glenna,' he says, ' Bill is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and ***** *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, ******! the light goes off?' 'OH BUGGER!' she says. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!
When I came for my interview for this job I was asked "Are you allergic to anything?" I replied, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." I was then asked, "Are you disabled in any way?" I said, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me when I was in Afghanistan, and I lost both my testicles." My boss grimaced and continued with the interview. At the end of the interview he said, "Okay. I am happy enough that I can offer you the job immediately. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." I looked at my boss, puzzled and asked, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is Shannahan's", my boss said. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
From a Lootown fan "I was in the club last nite i thought id av a go at chatting up this bird, hello love, i was gona tell u a joke about my cock, but its 2 long, thats funny, she replied, i was gona tell u a joke about my fanny, but you'll never get it"...
On the same lines of W_Y's. L*t0n fan to a beautiful woman- Are those space pants you are wearing? Coz your arse out of this world!! Beautiful woman- No they are baseball pants, and this arse is out of your league!!
My budgie broke his leg today, so I made a little splint out of a couple of swan vesta matches............ His little face lit up when he tried to walk!!!
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her hu...sband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where heleaves it.. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She canhardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She'snot sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. Thedoctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll beover shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop iseverywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is thefirst time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
I bought a crowbar today, well the birds have got to have somewhere to socialise in the bad weather! I'll get my coat
Something for Yorkie: Duz tha speak Yorkshire > >> Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." >> >> Vet: "Is it a tom?" >> >> Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her >> headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. >> He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone >> will be ready a few days after the funeral. >> True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say >> that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a > look. >> >> When the widower gets there he takes one look at the >> stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". >> >> He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've > left the bloody "e" out!" >> >> The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower > that it will be rectified the following morning. >> >> Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: >> "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". >> >> The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: >> >> "E, she were thin". >> Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being > carried out in >> Yorkshire nightclubs. >> Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just > above their front teeth. >> Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
19 Irishmen front up at a cinema together. The ticket lady asks "A big party - why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The poster outside said 18 or over."
On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it can no longer fly.
