Soon it will say - "This way four cheap booze" It will soon be announced that Jimmy Saville did not actually die of natural causes, but was the victim of a Islamic Terrorist called - Jamal Fixit
A young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return. She said I could play with her breasts. I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat. ----------------------------------------------- I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer. --------------------------------------------------------------- Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts. Dear Phil I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me…I’m desperate. Dear Reader The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil. --------------------------------------- After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30. ------------------------------------------- An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Scouse got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
I love this show!! But prefered when Russel Howard and Frankie Boyle as regulars. [video=youtube;R3meZOO2YPM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3meZOO2YPM[/video] Pay attention to 1:20-1:30
WALKING EAGLE On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe. At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.
An Irishman goes into a bar in Brooklyn and orders 3 pints of guinness. He then sips from each of them alternately until the glasses are empty. He then orders three more, upon which the bartender remarks that his beer would last a lot longer if he only had one at a time. The Irishman replies that he knows this, but that upon leaving Ireland he made an oath with his two brothers that they would all drink in this way in future - so one is for me and the other two are for my absent brothers in Dublin and Australia. The barman replies that this is a wonderfull tradition and from this day on he becomes a regular in the bar. Always drinking in this way with his absent brothers for a further 6 months. One day he comes into the bar and only orders 2 pints - a deathly hush descends over the bar - all are silent as the grave. While Paddy is sipping from his 2 beers the barman comes over to him and says 'Please accept are sincerest condolences '. Whereapon Paddy replies 'Oh that's not necessary, my brothers are in perfect health - but I have just become a Mormon and I'm not allowed to drink any more'.
Gents, you will be queueing up for this!!!! LMFAO https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=2153643997435
An optimist thinks the cup is half full. A pessimist thinks the cup is half empty. An engineer thinks the cup is twice as big as it needs to be...
After 99 years at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full.
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office. Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!!!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for gods sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to tell !! Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off! Signed An Irate Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ............ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SODDING PAKISTAN ! Sincerely,
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, Monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said. The elderl...y gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible! The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !' The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained; 'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to...!! Wear your Poppy with Pride!!
An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. ... The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Lincoln There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American. He then travelled to York, Durham and Liverpool In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone. He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son .... it's a local call.' KEEP SMILING If you are proud to be Scottish pass this on!
A letter home from a soldier from Eromanga, far south west Queensland Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila
How many people do you need to milk a cow in Ireland ? answer - 20 . one to hold the udders and the other 19 to keep lifting the cow up and down !
