A joke from these fair isles: A Jerseyman and a Guernseyman were walking together one day and came across a glowing lamp. The Guernseyman rubbed the lamp and out came a Genie. The Genie turned to the two men and said "I will grant you each one wish", so the Guernseyman made his wish - "I wish for you to put 100 foot walls around Guernsey to keep the Crapauds out". Immediately 100 foot walls appeared all around Guernsey. The Genie turned to the Jerseyman and said "You have one wish". The Jerseyman said "See those walls - fill them with water".
Here are some from MTW!! I love these guys!! [video=youtube;RzDRhphRYjw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzDRhphRYjw[/video] [video=youtube;ab9iCVwcQYE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab9iCVwcQYE&feature=related[/video] [video=youtube;XNDlrVarS2Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNDlrVarS2Y[/video]
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I'm meant to be meeting my parents in here for a drink. Do you know if they have come in yet?" The barman replied "I'm not sure, what do they look like?"
THIS IS A TRUE STORY OF AN ELDERLY MAN WHO CAN'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE: George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
A man decides he wants to go hunting so visits a gun shop... Gun salesman 'if you be going hunting in them there woods you need a bear gun, plenty of big 'uns in those woods' Hunter ' I will take it' Hunter makes his way to the woods with his new gun and it is not long before he spies a huge bear in the distance. Using his cross hair he lines it up and fires BANG! Seconds later as the gun smoke his clearing he gets a tap on the shoulder.... Bear 'Were you shooting at me? I think you were shooting at me. I could swipe your head off with one paw but it is your lucky day. I'm feeling horny, you can drop your trousers and bend over and satisfy my bear needs or I can kill you' Hunter thinks for a while and drops his trousers. Infuriated with whats happened and a little embarrassed he returns to the gun shop.... Hunter ' I need a bigger gun!' Gun Salesman ' In that case sir you be needing an elephant gun' and produces a huge gun. Satisfied with his new gun the hunter returns to the woods and in the distance spots the same bear. Shaking with revenge and armed with his elephant gun he aims and fires... HUGE BANG!! Seconds later as the gun smoke is clearing he gets a tap on the shoulder... Bear ' Were you shooting at me? I think you were shooting at me, you know how this works bend over or get killed'. Hunter shocked the bear has survived decides he wants to do the same and bends over to once again satisfy the bears needs. Seething the hunter returns to the gun shop... Hunter ' I need a BIGGER gun' Gun Salesman ' well sir, we have a one off special offer in at the moment on this here bazooka' Hunter well impressed with this fire power returns immediately to the woods and spots his bear. Careful this time he takes aim, takes a deep breath and fires.... BOOM! trees fall and explosion follows. As the smoke clears the hunter gets a tap on the shoulder and he turns with dred and fear, there standing in front is the bear.... Bear ' I think your are not here for the hunting!'
Fella goes to the doctor with a fried egg on his head. The doctor asks "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" "....cos the boiled ones keep rolling off!"
