A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows." The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world." Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations." The woman looks at him sternly and says: "What the f**k do you want ?" "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face: "Ryanair."
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why did you eat him?"
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay." I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure." I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not." I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
Why Golf is a Dangerous Sport Wife: If I died, would you get married again? Husband: Definitely not! Wife: Why not-don't you like being married? Husband: Of course I do. Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Husband: Okay, I'd get married again. Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Husband: Where else would we sleep? Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed Wife: - - - silence - - - Husband: Oh $hit….
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in a small town on a cold day. LR told Tonto to look after his horse Silver while he went into the saloon. Tonto was shivering and so LR told him to jog on the spot until he came back. A good while later, LR was enjoying his third or fourth shot of redeye when the Sheriff came in and asked who owned the fine, white horse that was parked at the hitching rail outside. "That's my Silver," said LR. "What's the problem, Sheriff?" "Well, sir, you've left your injun running."
Jack and Jill got married and were on their honeymoon. On their first night, they began getting undressed together for the first time. As soon as Jack removed his shoes and socks, Jill quickly noticed how twisted and red looking his toes were. "Whatever happened to your feet?" Jill asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio," replied Jack. "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes," Jack said. Jack then took off his trousers to reveal badly deformed, lumpy knees. "What happened to your knees?" Jill asked. "Well, I also had kneasles," replied Jack. "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneasles, it only affects the knees," Jack said. Finally Jack removed his pants and stood there in all his glory. Jill gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car parking,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board! After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'
Another joke i really shouldn't find funny! If women are so good at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam’s mother cooked.
An old man went to see the nurse for his annual health check. She said, "I think you should stop masturbating sir." He asked, "Why?" She said, "Because I am trying to examine you, you filthy bastard."
Bill woke up with a terrible pain in his mouth and booked an emergency appointment to see his dentist. When he got into the chair, the dentist checked his teeth and said, "You’ve got a badly decayed molar which really needs to be extracted right away. Are you OK with injections?" "No, I'm afraid of needles," replied Bill." "How about gas?" "No, I'm allergic to gas. I come out in a terrible rash," The dentist then said, "I have an idea. Wait here while I get something." When he returned, the dentist gave Bill a glass of water and two blue pills. "What kind of pills are these?" Bill asked. "They’re just ordinary Viagra pills," replied the dentist. "What? Will these deaden the pain?" "No," replied the dentist, "they won't help your pain at all, but they will give you something to hold onto whilst I extract your tooth."
60 year old woman goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet. Very shakily, she wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter, "Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?" The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock." "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tthhrree inchesss ththiickk?" asks the woman. The assistant replies, "Yes we do." " Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "Well, there's good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings for quite a tidy sum." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor......"
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Wayne Rooney goes up to the counter. "Can I have some chips?" "Shhh. " says the man, "dont shout" "Sorry" whispers Wayne "can I have some chips?" "No" says the man, "This is a library"
Past present and future go into a bar. Barman says " Its a bit tense in here tonight" Credit 2RJ Junior for that one
