...from our foot and mouth infected stock, then send them home? The illegals are probably just more cunning. They seem to stay one step ahead of the authorities by getting cleaning jobs in Government buildings.
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
When God made the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" he asked. But the Lord was very adamant, and that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years," he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey agreed. This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest, Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," he announced. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky!"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft thing it's me!"
This is true. I got home one afternoon and saw that my car, which I'd left in the drive, had had three wheels nicked. The thieves had used the jack and the remaining wheel to hold up the car. They had also stolen the spare. I phoned my insurance company. This is the conversation that followed. "State Insurance. You are talking to Tracy (or whatever her name was). How can I help you?" "I want to make a claim. The wheels of my car have been stolen." "Okay sir. You still have the car? It's just the wheels?" "Yes." "Does the car still work? It's not been in an accident?" "I assume that it works. I haven't started the engine." "In that case it will have to be inspected by one of our mechanics." "When will they come round?" "Sorry sir. You have to take the car to them." "I can't. It's got no wheels." "Oh yes. (Little giggle). Sorry, I forgot. We will send a tow truck to collect it." "They can't tow it. It's got no wheels." "i know sir. I've made a note of that on the report. They will bring some wheels." I paused for a moment. "Have I got this right? They are going to come here. Put wheels on my car. Tow it to the garage. Take the wheels off. Then say, "It's got no wheels!" Tracy paused for quite a while. Then said, "Yes."
Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man." 'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave. 'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?' O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.' Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.' Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk. After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' 'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply. Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.' Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.' Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television replay. Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. 'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.' O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?' 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in February," he said, "and left me £25,000. "Oh, that's tough," he replied. "Then in March," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me £90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me £45,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "But this month," continued the friend, "absolutely bugger all!"
"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards." Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!" "Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?" "Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!" Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!" "Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?" "No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'" How is it that we know Christ was Irish? Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!! Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Cos they're always a little short A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait for the garda to get here!
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them. "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down." "I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins. The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry. The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Bloody hot down here!
DEAF WIFE. A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Lee, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
