I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key... I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start." What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'........So that was nice." Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.........
FREE KITTENS A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. "Hello, little girl, I'm the Pope. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked the man. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Catholic kittens," answered Suzy with a smile. The Pope was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR department and told them about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect publicity opportunity, they agreed that the pope should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when the motorcade pulled up, this time followed by all the media.Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Pope got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Jehovahââ¬â¢s Witness kittens." Taken by surprise, the Pope stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were Catholic." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse. The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!" "It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police Officer. The little boy replied "Yes Sir". "Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy. "Yes", said the Officer. "Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy. "Yes he did!" said the officer. "Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.
Stuff you should never say to a cop Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job! That uniform makes your ass look really big. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. You don't happen to have any beer in your car, do you? "Bad Cop! No Donut!" You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence." "Lets do it differently this time . . . I'll give YOU the breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops? I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. So, uh, you on the take, or what? Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you. Gee,officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?" Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No, I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone. What do you mean 'have I been drinking?' You're the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed. Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . . Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .
Ãâll vinna og ekki að spila sem gerir Jack a Dull drengur. Gæti eins vel að horfa á Nightshift sÃÂðan
Last night I told my family that if the worst came to the worst, I would not want my life maintained by a machine and liquid sustenance. So they unplugged my lap-top and took away my bottle of St Emilion!! B@5t@rd5!!!!
I used to have a large collection of Dusty Springfield records, but someone broke into my house and stole them. Now, I just don’t know what to do with my shelf.
