Daddy, how was I Born? A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father Answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too Late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll Down...You'll love this 'You've got Male!
Belinda was soon to die and she knew it. Her hubsband was by her side. She croaked "I'm going to die. I need to sort something out with you before it happens. Look under the bed, there is a shoe box" Her husband looked under the bed and found the box. "Open it!" she croaked. He removed the lid and found 3 eggs and a lot of cash, probably about ã15,000. "What's all this?" he asked. "Well, you know we always kept hens." "Yes darling.." "Cough, Cough.... There were times you didn't satisfy me in bed..." "Cough, cough,.... cough. Each time you left me frustrated I took an egg and put it in the box." The husband counted up the eggs and smiled. "Well, considereing we were married for 50 years, it looks like I only let you down only 3 times. What's all the cash about though? "Cough, cough,.... cough.... every time there were a dozen eggs I sold them...."
Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Joan of Arc, Wonder Woman and Florence Nightingale? He was a heroine addict.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that.
One time little Johnny woke up one morning and saw his mom jumping up and down on his dad. He asked,"Mommy why are you jumping on Daddy?" The mom replied slyly, "Well daddy is getting fat so I am trying to deflate him." Johnny said, "Ohhh! Well you're wasting your time. After you leave for work, the big-boobied woman next door comes over and blows Daddy back up."
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok sweetheart?" she says. "Yes Miss" he replies. "'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says. "It's best I stay here Miss." he says. "Why?" asks the blonde. The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper" (i realise i shouldn't really post this 'Keyes and Gray' crap, but i couldn't resist! lol
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Women's English: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You will pay for this later We need to talk = I want to complain Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about? Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see my flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . . Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren't going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up Nothing really = Your such an ass hole Men's English: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress = Nice cleavage You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight? I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now I love you too = Now we have to have sex! Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'll have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "There's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter, "I would like a Long Island Duck!" The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck's tuchas, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells, "This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!" The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells, "This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?" The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says, "I hope this is what yu want lady. It's the last duck we have. After sitcking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, "Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I'll take it! Wrap it up!" As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says "Your'e not too bright, are you! Your'e new around here. Where are you from, any way?" The kid bends down with his tuchas toward her and says, "Here lady! You tell me!"
Joke Info Category : General Jewish Rating : 3.95 Contributor : rsmermel Type : T To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? "Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!" " No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you? " said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it! " Adam said. "Did not! " "Did too! " "DID NOT! " Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
