A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat. "Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?" "No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep. The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..." "Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Two married friends are out drinkingâ€Ã¦ One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late." His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."
One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says, "Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean." Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again. "Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Lassi says "Paddy we've been married along time. You're good lookin and I think you've slept with alotta women. I won't be mad but I would like to know how many if any. Paddy says. My lovely Lass you should know I never slept with anyone but you my Darlin. All the rest I was awake.
A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form NAME: Rebecca Nelson D.O.B: 12/12/1982 SEX: twice a day
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
Richard and Patrick were coming out of a pub in Wales one evening when Richard spotted a Sheep with its head stuck in the railings. "Look at that Paddy, we cant miss a chance like that" says Richard So Richard walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and does this business. Richard then says "Okay Paddy its your turn next" So Paddy drops his trousers and stuck his head in the railings......
Why do Welsh sheep farmers like to screw sheep on the edge of cliffs? Because they push back so nicely.
A guy's doing a PhD in sheep shagging. He goes off touring Britain finding out how people do it in different areas. First he goes up to Aberdeen. He goes into a pub, buys a drink, and asks the barman where he can find the sheep shaggers. The barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub. So he goes over to this corner and gets talking to the guys there. Once there he says: * Actually I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so could you tell me, how do you do it around here? * Well we put on wellies, go into a field, and we grab a sheep. Then we shove its hind legs down into the wellies so it can't get away, and shag it. Next he goes down to Cumbria and goes into a pub in Keswick. He asks the barman where the local sheep shaggers hang out, and he points to the darkest, dingiest corner. So he goes over to the corner, and asks the guys: * Excuse me but I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so would you mind telling me, how do you do it around here? * Well we put on wellies and go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find a sheep we shove its hind legs down into the wellies, then shag it. He then decides to see what they do in Wales, so he takes a trip to Aberystwyth. There he finds a dodgy looking pub, and asks the barman where he can find the local sheep shaggers. Once again, the barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub. So he goes over and asks: * Excuse me, I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging. Could you tell me how you do it in this area? * Well, bach, we go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find one we grab it around the waist, hold it as tight as possible so it won't get away, and shag it. * But, why don't you just shove its hind legs down inside your wellies? Wouldn't that be easier? * What, no kissing?!
WELSH FRICTION The Scene: John Trovolta and Samuel J. Jackson sitting in car talking. (Pulp Fiction music fades off...) S: Ok, so tell me again about the Welsh. J: Whaddya wanna know? S: Beastiality is legal there right? J: Yeah, its legal but it ain't a 100% legal. I mean you can't just walk into a field, pick up a sheep and start pumpin' away. They wan't you to shag sheep in your home or certain designated places. S: And those are valleys? J: Ok, it breaks down like this: its legal to buy a sheep, its legal to own a sheep and if you're a farmer its legal to sell or loan sheep, its ILLEGAL to **** sheep in public but...but...but that doesn't matter 'cos, getta loada this, the police in Wales are too stupid to notice you've got a sheep hanging off your dick. I mean that's the interlect the police in Wales DON'T have. S: Arrr man. I'm not goin', that's all there is too it, I'm never ****in'goin'. J: Nah man, you'd hate it the most. But do know what the funniest thing about Wales is? S: What? J: Its the little differences, I mean they got the same kinda people over there as we got here, but there they're a little different. S: Example. J: Ok. You can walk into a Movie theatre in Cardiff and order a lump of coal, and I'm not talkin' about no paper cup, I'm talkin' about a LUMP of coal. And in Swansea you can buy coal in MacDonalds. Do you know what they call a 1/4 pounder with cheese in Wales? S: They don't call it a 1/4 pounder with cheese? J: Nah man, they don't have fractions, they wouldn't know what the **** a 1/4 pounder is. S: So whadda they call it? J: A (assumes welsh accent) "Ham and Cheese Sandwhichchchch". S: A Ham and Cheese Sandwichchchchch? J: That's right. S: And whadda they call a Big Mac? J: A Big Macs a Big Mac but there they call it a Bich Machch (accent again). S: (immitating accent badly) A Bichch Machchchchchchch? J: Ha ha ha S: Whadda they call a Whopper? J: I don't know, I didn't go outside. Do you know what they put on French Fries in Swansea instead of ketch-up? S: What? J: Coal. S: Arrr man... J: I,ve seen 'um do it man, they ****in' drown 'um in that ****.
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!" It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more.... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.The fish swallows the fly...The bear grabs the fish..The hunter shoots the bear..The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...The cat jumps for the mouse..The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger. .
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,20 inch private,3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him "What's wrong with you?" he asks. In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"
