The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger...In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the Horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!! "FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..." "BRING POSSE"
Please god, let this be true... The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. ---------------------------- To whom it may concern, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on.., I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from. Please press the buttons as follows: Press 1: To make an appointment to see me. Press 2: To query a missing payment. Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion. Your Humble Client...
A young couple had just gotten married, and they spent their wedding night doing what most newlyweds do—celebrating their love... again and again... all night long. The next morning, the husband hopped in the shower while his new bride relaxed in bed. When he finished, he realized he had forgotten to grab a towel. "Sweetheart," he called out, "can you bring me a towel, please?" She walked over to the bathroom with the towel in hand. When he opened the door to take it, there he stood—dripping wet and completely exposed. Her eyes widened as she glanced down, then back up, then back down... and stopped halfway. With a puzzled look, she pointed and asked, “Wait… what’s that?” He hesitated, slightly embarrassed, and replied, “That’s what we had so much fun with last night.” She paused, looked even more confused, and asked innocently: “Oh… is that all that’s left?”
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Asda Dear Mrs. Preston Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. March 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. May 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. May 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. June 6: While handling knives in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. June 8: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. June 9: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. June 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. June 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. June 13: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
