Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to be changed.

 

How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

For decades, two nude statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head."

 

A farmer is in is local getting drunk. After a few pints the barman asks "Why are you here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

"Well if you must know" the farmer replies" I was milking my cow and just as the I got the bucket full she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"Whats the big deal?" said the barman.

"Well I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as the bucket was about full she took her right leg and kicked it over"

"So what did you do then?" asked the barman.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Then I sat back down and continued to milk her. Then just as I had got the bucket about full the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail."

"So then what did you do?" asked the barman.

"Well I didn't have any rope left so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

And then my trousers fell down just as my wife walked in....."

 

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

 

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

 

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

 

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.

 

12.

One to change the bulb, one to drive the transit and 10 to lie about it afterwards.



keep up!

 

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.


Q: How can you tell if you’re at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.


Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

 

I have unstuck this thread now as - like the music thread - it seems to get enough "traffic " to keep it in our mind without needing to always be at the top of the board. I can always stick it again by popular demand

 

I can see this has got a bit ruder, so for the otherwise shy, here is a slightly rude, national stereotype joke...

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good mother of all, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the Love 'o Scotland, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

 

My front door's made of balsa wood. Don't knock it.

 

I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?”
He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket.”

 

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

 

Please excuse the language, it's not gratuitous IMHO . A Glaswegian friend told me this, so do it in a Scots accent for best effect...

A door-to-door salesman arrives at a house and a five-year-old boy answers the door. He is wearing his father's silk dressing gown, has a large glass of scotch in one hand, and a cigar in the other. The salesman says in a gentle tone “Hello sonny, is your mammy in?”
The boy replies “Does it ****ing look like it?”

 

Sorry if this has been told elsewhere on here, it is an old one, but nonetheless, quite funny...

Cletus the slack-jawed redneck goes up to the mountains for a spot of bear hunting. On his first day he spots a mighty grizzly, takes aim with his rifle and fires. A few seconds later when the smoke has cleared, the bear comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.
“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” he says to Cletus, and Cletus nods. “Well,” says the bear. “It’s your choice – either I kill you or I’m gonna bugger you.”
That night, with a very sore arse, Cletus heads into town and buys himself a bigger rifle. The next day he returns to the woods and spots the grizzly. He aims, fires, and misses again. The bear offers him the same choice, and the hunter is well and truly shafted by the bear.
Back in town, Cletus buys an even bigger rifle and returns once more to kill his quarry. Suddenly he spots the bear and shoots, but a few seconds later he feels a heavy claw tapping him on the shoulder.
“You’re not really here for the hunting, are you?” says the bear.

 

Sorry for really lowering the tone, but here's another...

An old man is at the doctor’s. The doctor has finished examining him and tells him to put his shirt back on.
“Well, I must say you are in very good condition for a 58 year-old.”
“But Doctor, I’m sixty-eight!”
The doctor examines the records in front of him and says:
“Good God yes, you certainly don’t look it! Well in that case you are in exceptional condition!”
The man is chuffed at this and, as he closes the doctor’s door behind him, he cannot help going up to the attractive, young receptionist and saying:
“How old do you think I am?”
“Oh... fifty-eight?”
“I’m sixty-eight!” he says proudly, and walks into the waiting room.
He is just about to leave, when he sees an elderly lady sitting reading a magazine. He goes up to her and says:
“Excuse me, madam, how old would you think I am?”
The old lady looks him up and down, shakes her head and undoes his fly. She starts to perform proficient oral sex. She takes out his testicles, weighs them in her hand, kisses each of them and then finishes her oral endeavours. She puts all his bits back in his trousers and does up his fly.
“Sixty-eight!” she says, picking up her magazine and starting to read.
“Sixty-eight?” asked the old man furiously. “Sixty-eight? How did you know that?”
Without looking up from her magazine, she says “I heard you tell the receptionist.”

 

Kate has apparently complained that whenever she sucks William's penis she ends up with acid indigestion.

The Queen asked her if she'd tried Andrews.