A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks… And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”
Not a joke as such but it amused me - the Headline in the Sun yesterday was "Bin Bagged" - I hasten to point out that I only read that on a news-stand I would never allow that dirty rag into my house - but their headline writers are quite clever
A guy goes into a bar with a duck under one arm and biscuit tin under the other. The barman says "What's with the duck?" The guy says "This is my dancing duck, I take him everywhere I go." The barman says " That's cr*p, ducks can't dance!" So the guy places the duck on the biscuit tin and whistles Yankee Doodle Dandy. The duck dances. The barman says " That's fantastic, it's just what I need to bring some trade here. How much do you want for the duck?" The guy says "This duck is my best friend, I told you, I take him everywhere I go. He's not for sale." The barman says " Everything has a price, I'll give you a hundred pounds for the duck." The guy says "Ok I guess you're right, but it will cost you ã200." They make the sale. A month later the guy goes back into the bar and is confronted by the barman. "That ****ing duck you sold me hasn't danced once since you left." The guy looks surprised and says "I don't understand that, he always dances....Hey, did you put him on the biscuit tin, he won't dance unless he's on his biscuit tin." "Yes I did that he still didn't dance." "Hmmm, OK, lets think about this, ......did you whistle Yankeee Doodle Dandy....?" " I whistled Yankee Doodle ****ing Dandy, I Whistled AmericanTrilogy, I whistled every ****ing tune in the songbook, I turned the Jukebox on, the-duck-doesn't-dance." The guy says "This is such a mystery, he always danced....." Then he slaps his forehead " Oh, did you light the candle in the biscuit tin?........"
A guy is strugglng to get an erection and his doctor has tried to help but no joy. Out of desperation he goes to see a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him he has some powerful magic that wil help but the magic is very powerful indeed. If the guy has the spell he will be erect all the time....he needs to consider if he can live with that. The guy thinks about it and says "Sounds great, do the spell." The witch doctor mixes a potion, a cloud of blue smoke swirls around, then he says "Ok, the words 1- 2-3 will give you an erection." Meanwhile, the guy has been thinking that there must be a way of reversing this spell if needed so he asks the witch doctor how to get it down again. The witch doctor says "The words 1-2-3-4 will end the spell but be cautious, you will never get an erection again." That night, the guy has a lovely evening with his wife takes her to bed and says "1-2-3" to his amazement, and that of his wife he has the most powerful erection he could ever imagine. "Wow!!!!" his wife says "What did you say one two three for?........."
Three twenty something blonde-types are celebrating in a bar. Every time they order a round of tequilas, they chink glasses and shout "Three weeks. Yeah!" After several rounds, the barman, intrigued by their behaviour, asks them why that particular toast. They answer, "We've just finished a jigsaw in 3 weeks and the side of the box said 2 - 4 years."
A man gets admitted to hospital with 90% burns to his legs. When the doctor prescribes Viagra, the nurse asks "Will that help his burns heal?" The doctor replies "Dunno, but it will keep the sheets off his legs."
My uncle in Australia emailed me this yesterday: Across not just Europe. The English are feeling the pinch in relation to terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so as not to offend the terrorists.
Something to look forward to! A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep. NEW Wine for Seniors I kid you not...New Wine for Seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as: PINO MORE
ÃË I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ÃË Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. ÃË The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. ÃË Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ÃË If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. ÃË We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. ÃË War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ÃË Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. ÃË The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ÃË Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. ÃË To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. ÃË A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. ÃË How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ÃË I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. ÃË A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. ÃË Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". ÃË I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. ÃË Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? ÃË Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ÃË Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? ÃË Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. ÃË A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ÃË You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. ÃË The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! ÃË Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. ÃË A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ÃË Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. ÃË Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. ÃË Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. ÃË There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. ÃË I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ÃË I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. ÃË When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. ÃË You're never too old to learn something stupid. ÃË To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. ÃË Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. ÃË Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. ÃË A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. ÃË If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? ÃË Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes Why is air a lot like sex? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any
Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian? Vagitarian What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? Klondike What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs? A headless whoresman
Confucius Says... "Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key" "Man who fart in church must sit in own pew" "Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok" "Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly" "Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone" "Man who stand in front of car get tired." "Man who stand behind car get exhausted." "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day" "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who buy many prunes get good run for money" "Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk" "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth" "War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse" "It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it" "Man who drive like hell bound to get there" "Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs" "Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money" "Man who drop watch in toilet have ****ty time" "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam" "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night" "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
Women can do a much better Black Country accent than men. Because the female of the species is more Dudley than the male
I don’t know which was the more disturbing; Last evening my mother told me that my sister was a lesbian……but then my father winked at me and whispered “no, she’s not”.
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a sweet looking old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" 'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
