Letter from Welsh Lodging-House Keeper: "I should like to know, please, whether you want two bedrooms with double beds in them, or two double-bedded rooms, as I have only one double-bedded room;all the beds are double beds except one in the double-bedded room, which is a single bed."
Sheep dipping Some sheep farmers in mid-Wales have formed a society of teetotalers. There is a clause in the rules that permits the use of alcohol at sheep-dipping time. One member keeps a sheep at home which he dips every day.
The drunk passenger A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus. "Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?" "Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."
Canvasser for Liberal Party: "Will you support the Liberals this time?" Welsh Mathematician: "No that is impossible. In the past the Liberal Party occupied a position between the left wing of the Conservative Party and the right wing of the Labour Party. Then the left wing of the Conservative Party moved further left and the right wing of the Labour Party moved further right, so the Liberal Party was squeezed out until ultimately it had to perform the difficult task of inserting itself between two coincident points. Since the Conservatives went on moving left and the Labour Party went on moving right the Liberals now occupy what is mathematically an imaginary point in space. How can I vote for an imaginary party?
Welsh debater: "I have listened with great care to my opponent's speech this evening and I would like to congratulate him on the impeccable logic of his argument. Unfortunately the factual premises on which he based his case are quite clearly false. Now if you combine false premises and faultless logic you must come to a conclusion that is definitely incorrect. I fully admit that the factual assumptions on which I shall base my argument are just as likely to be wrong as those of my opponent. But I intend to make mistakes in the logic of my argument and so I have at least a random chance of being right. The probability of my opponent being correct is zero, but I have a small but finite chance of coming to the correct conclusion. Therefore you must support me on mathematical grounds alone."
Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life." "No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married." After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret". "No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough." That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin." Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house. "Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon." "It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin." "Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
Dai, who had just turned 20, one day informed his father that he wanted to marry Mari the girl next door. "I'm sorry, boyo," said his father, "but you can't marry her, you see as it happens she's your sister." Dai was downcast but within a week he came back to see his father again. "Dad", he said, "I've made up my mind to marry Morfydd." "Isn't that the girl behind the counter in Morgan's dairy?" asked his father . . . and it turned out she was his sister too. Gradually one after another the girls of the village were excluded from matrimonial alliance with Dai on the grounds of consanguinity until none was left. One evening after the last girl had fallen under his father's interdict Dai was sitting in the front room looking sadly at the grate. "What's wrong with you, Dai?" asked his mother, "girl trouble is it?" "Yes, Mam," Dai replied, "every time I want to marry a girl, father makes out she's my sister." "Oh, don't listen to that old fool", said his mother, "he's no relation of yours anyway."
British Intelligence have received a recorded message purporting to be from Osama Bin Laden in an attempt to prove he is still alive. In the message he said "L*t*n FC were effing cr@p! on Saturday." An Intelligence spokesman has dismissed this latest propaganda saying "It could just have easily been recorded at any time in the past 20 years..." .
I received a text today Bin laden says maybe I shouldnt have been as thorough filling in my census form!!!
some older ones Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1... Q: How is Osama Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? A: Both look out their window and see Rubble. Q: What is the national bird of Afghanistan? A: Duck!! Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing, yet. Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from! Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day? A: Because the camels can't handle it. Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan? A: Two days. Q. Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan? A. Because of the Telly ban. Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden have a beard? A. He wants to look like his mother. Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six goats? A. A pimp. A fitting punishment for Osama Bin Laden: Capture him and give him a sex change operation, then return him to Afghanistan to live under Taliban rule. Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden carry a piece of **** in his pocket? A. Photo I.D.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of Europe, rather than German, which was the other possibilty. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with " f ". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "y". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leteres. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! (Und zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!!)
My granny joined a group to help people with arthritis and rheumatism last week. She left yesterday saying it was too clicky.
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
A woman was in a coma in hospital - had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her privates and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
