Riding the favourite at Kempton Park, a jockey was well ahead of the field when he was suddenly hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and gradually pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Xmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he entered the home straight. With great skill, he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more, when, on the run in, he was struck by a bottle of sherry and a Xmas pudding. With no time to recover from this setback, he only managed to finish second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
A vulture boards an plane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says - Sorry sir only one carrion allowed per passenger.
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women. Q: What do you get if you cross a Liverpol fan with a pig? A: Thick bacon... Q: How can you tell a level headed Liverpool supporter? A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time. Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal? A: Pam's only got two **** in front of her
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance". "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?" "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them". Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing." Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK" At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way." "OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts: "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish. Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!" The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep ****. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog! Q: What do you call an afghan virgin A: Mever bin laid on Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls? A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A:Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch. Q: What do you call ball's on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q:Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A:The grass tickles their balls Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? A: Her navel. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been ****ing the chickens! Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to **** ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick? A: ****S FUNNY Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p? A: ........... a **** (think about it) Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common? A: They both only change their pads after every third period! Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower? A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.. Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A: The back of my hand. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A: The PGA tour. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture. Q: How do you kill a ******? A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?" Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don't work and always take your money. That lot should keep you guys going till I get back!
Two Irish hunters, Paddy and Mick, hired a pilot to fly them to Canada for a moose hunt. They managed to bag six moose between them, but when they were loading the bodies on plane for the return journey the pilot said that the plane could only take four. The two hunters objected strongly, saying "Last year we got six and the pilot let us take them all - and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and allowed all six moose on board - a big mistake as the plane couldn't handle the load and crashed shortly after take off. Surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick managed to survive the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy looked around and asked "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A man was sunbathing naked on a beach. For the sake of decency and to prevent sunburn he had placed a hat over his privates. A woman walks past, sniggers and says 'If you were a gentleman you'd raise your hat'. The bloke raises an eyebrow and replies 'If you weren't so ugly it would raise itself!'
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," a Faith Healer announced. Tarquin gets in line, and when it's his turn, the Faith Healer asks:"Tarquin, what do you want me to pray about for you." Tarquin replies: "Faith Healer, I need you to pray for my hearing." The Faith Healer puts one finger in Tarquin's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Tarquin's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the he removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Tarquin, how is your hearing now?" Tarquin says, "I don't know, sir, it isn't 'til next Wednesday!"
It was wintertime and in the synagogue Rabbi Bloom was getting distracted and upset by the constant coughing disturbing his sermon. After the service ended, he instructed his assistant Hymie to purchase a large quantity of cough drops ready for his next sermon and asked him to give one cough drop to anyone who started coughing. "Quietly tell them I'm giving it for their for their cough." So when next sermon came along, every time a member coughed, Hymie walked over and handed out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watched this out of the corner of his eye and noticed that every time this occured, the member immediately got up and walked out. At the end of the service, half the members were gone, so Rabbi Bloom asked, " Hymie, what did you say to the members that made them leave the synagogue?" Hymie replied, " All I said was 'The Rabbi said for coughââ¬â¢." .
