Scouser Jokes Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle Q: What do you call a Scouser in a suit? A: The accused.(yes i know it's an old one) Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? A: Because if it walked it would be mugged. Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A: A burglar. Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside? A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut? A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut. Q: What do you say to a scouser on a bike? A: Stop Thief! Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? A: Big Mac and fries please. Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ? A: What are you looking at? Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ? A: The Bride
A man is rowing accross a lake in Africa on a Saturday afternoon chanting away as he rows "Bongo.....Bongo.....Bongo", at this time, a flying saucer is shooting past the earth and the aliens spot the man and decide to beam him up to perform some tests. After the tests are completed they decide to put him back in his boat, "Stop" the leader says, lets see what happens to this human if we remove a quarter of his brain", so the aliens remove a quarter of the guys brain and beam him back down to his boat, "Lets see what happens to him now" the aliens say. As the aliens watch, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo" Amazed by this, the aliens beam the man back up to the ship, "How can this happen, he has a quarter of his brain missing, right lets remove half of his brain and see what happens", the aliens remove half of the mans brain leaving him with just a quarter of his brain left and beam him back down to his boat, "This should do something to him" say the aliens. Once again, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, as before un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo" This makes the aliens even more confused, "Get him back up here and remove all of his brain" says the alien leader, "This must surely have some effect". So the aliens once again beam the man back up the ship and completely remove his brain leaving him brainless and then put him back in his boat. And once again the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, he cannot recall his experience and continues to row across the lake chanting on his way "Ferrry 'cross the Mersey........."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
a primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a liverpool fan. she asks her students to raise their hands if they too are liverpool fans. everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. the teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "because i'm not a liverpool fan," she replied. the teacher, still shocked, asked, "well, if you are not a liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "i am a man united fan, and proud of it," mary replied. the teacher could not believe her ears. "mary, why, pray tell, are you a man united fan?" "because my mum is a man united fan, and my dad is a man united fan, so i'm a man united fan too!" "well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a man united fan. you don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "then," mary smiled, "i'd be a liverpool fan."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears and starts to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
An Irishman was working on a building site. Someone threw a brick and it smacked him on the side of the head, taking his right ear off. Everyone started to search for his ear. Suddenly, someone cried: "'Ere you are! I've found it!" The Irishman looks at the ear in his mate's hand and says: "Nah! 'tis not mine! Mine had a pencil behind it!"
Saw a mate the other day - he’s only got one arm - and asked him “Where you off to?” “To change a light bulb,” he replied. I said “That's going to be awkward isn’t it?” “Not really…” he said “I’ve still got the receipt”.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Two sausages in a frying pan. One sausage says to the other, "It's getting hot in here." The other replies, " My god, a talking sausage!"
A penguin walked into a bar and asked the barman "Has my brother been in here?" Replied the barman "Dunno. What's he look like?"
Then there was the Irish Robinson Crusoe marooned on a desert island who found a lifeboat. He smashed it up to make a raft.
A single seat Cessna crashed onto a cemetery just outside Cork. A Garda spokesman reports that 23,445 bodies have been recovered so far.
