What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist? The optimist studies English. The pessimist studies Chinese. The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Europe to Iceland: Why did you send us volcanic ash? Our airspace has shut down. Iceland: What? That's what you asked for isn't it? Europe: NO! We said cash! CASH! Iceland: Woooops...
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet. Yorkie: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk t'thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkie: "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us." I don't suppose Yorkie's here to defend himself either!
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying." The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
Q: Why did Mexico send only a couple thousand Mexicans to fight in the Alamo? A: Because they only had 4 trucks
This ones for Roo Three old men were sitting on a park bench comparing notes on the problems of growing old. The first said he couldn't remember the last time he had a good bowel movement. The second one said his problem was more with his bladder and prostate. The third old man laughed and said he must be the lucky one. "Every morning at seven I pee, and then at eight I have a good dump," he told them. " I just wish I could wake up before nine
On the other hand, you have different fingers. - He was lost in thought because it was unfamiliar territory. - Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool. - The latest poll finds that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. - "Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded." - Yogi Berra - "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin - "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying." - Woody Allen - He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it. - It was decided that his sole purpose in life was to serve as a bad example. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you. - If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. - Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? - Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. - The philosopher was laying in bed one night, looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself, "Where the heck is my ceiling?" - He doesn't suffer from stress - he's a carrier. - And if I was getting smart with you, how would you know? - How can there be self-help "groups"? - Is there another word for 'synonym'?
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkie: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkie: "Nay - I want it chewin' a bone !"
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
A man was on his way home from the pub one night, a little the worse for wear. As he passed a dark alley, a seductive female voice called out: "Hey, big boy! D'you fancy a good time?" "Oh, what the hell?" he thought. "It would round off a great evening!" So he went into the alley and, er, got down to it with the woman. After a few minutes a policeman shone his torch into the alley. "Now then, what's going on here?" he asked. "It's all right, officer!" said the man, frantically. "I'm just making love with my wife" "Oh, I do apologise, sir!" said the policeman. "I didn't realise it was your wife!" "Don't worry, officer," replied the man. "Until you shone your torch in here, neither did I!"
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question I lost on was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Geordies is not the correct answer.
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and takes it over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for ã44." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell exactly who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be ã58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for ã44. How did you get ã58.50?" The salesman replies "The Duck Caller is ã11.00 and the Fish Bait is ã3.50."
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already"
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too. As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"**** off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.' The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car. And drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... The history, the beer, the culture....' 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, hey, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.' 'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive’
