Two cannibals were eating a Clown. One cannibal look at the other cannibal and said, "Does it taste funny to you
Being a very religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the p*rn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "It's regular p*rn, you sick b*stard!!"
NOW ON SALE AT IKEA- Lesbian Beds.........No nuts or screwing involved. It's all tongue and grove!!!!
There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms. The mom walked by all the rooms. The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet. The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full."
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s*x. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s*x life? Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the flooers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white!
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour," replies the waiter, and calls out "Gervais!" A little French chef appears with a large knife..The waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!".....at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir," says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid." Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show that Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!"
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit. The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed. The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing. His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit. She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made. She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?" To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque. "There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says. "Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good... So I just swapped their heads.
I ended up with an older woman at a nightclub last night. She looked ok for a 63 year old, in fact she looked quite hot and I started to think that maybe she had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she replied. I said "No!" - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she whispered that it was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She opened the front door, turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mum, are you home?"
AA Roadwatch report that the A1 northbound is blocked just north of Welwyn, having been cordoned off as a crime scene. Thieves apparently hijacked a 10 tonne lorry loaded with viagra. A Police spokesperson says they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the hell out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Just for you Leo - if you thought the last one was bad, read on........ Two prawns, Justin and Kristian, were swimming around in the sea The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Kristian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........ 'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'
