Down in a local pub they were welcoming me but warning me on my move to Wales - people round here are harsh and not easy to please they said. For instance in the war I performed such deeds that I gained five medals including the Victoria Cross - but does anyone here ever call me a hero - no they don't. Another neighbour said I know what you mean I was a fire-fighter and once saved a whole family of 6 from a burning building but do they call me a great fire-fighter - no they don't. Too true says the third but you get a little frisky with just one sheep and for ever you get called .....
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist
Man is a woman's best friend. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Sorry, silly mistake
lol BB, one thing i can do is park! i have to, driving instructors have to know how to do that kind of thing . Reminds me of something that happened a few weeks ago that made me laugh! i was parking outside the hairdresser, as i do ..and next door the hairdresser is a cafe. Outside the cafe was a bloke, just standing there watching me park. When i got out the car, he gave me a round of applause and congratulated me on my skill (patronising sod! lol)...i didn't have the heart to tell him what i did for a living... i just thanked him and smiled sweetly
Womens are like computer virus...they ENTER your life...SEARCH your pocket...SHIFT your balance ...CONTROL your life...when you become an old version DELETE you from the system! Harsh I know, but from personal experience true!!!
Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up th stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something i must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No i must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!!"
Chinese and American are in a plane.Suddenly, Chinese puts his shoes off and American is angry. After some time, he goes to buy a coke, but Chinese says that he'll do it. While he's gone, American spits into his shoes. Chinese gets back and American drinks his coke. That repeats a couple of times,and after the flight American admits, "I spitted in your shoes, sorry." Chinese answers, "That's how we do it. We spit in each others shoes, we piss into each others cokes
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint my house."
