Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

I know your wife very nice lady, Top or bottom half is Irish ? il get my coat

 

By Sunday we could have the World Cup Trophy, but returning find there is no cabinet to put it in.

 

You have a double chance Frenchie.

 

shh....

 

This reminded me of the secret plan we are hatching in the hopeful event that we will not agree anything with the EC - it was reported in detail in the DT.

 

Some so called best one liners from the Edinburgh Festival this year:

• I'm super competitive, which is like being competitive but better
• I spent the past 3 days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more
• I like advertising but I think it's deceptive as very few shops sell oily young women
• My housemate hates working at ITV because he starts at 8am. He should just work at ITV+1, start at 9am
• It might seem like we are heading for a dystopian future right now but I read that book 1984 and things were way worse back then

and if anyone can explain this one to us

• I have a lot in common with post first world war Germany: we both went through a great depression in our 20s, then in our 30s a nice man came along. Great facial hair.

 

????/

 

Why weren’t people worried when the actor overused the trap-door?

It was just a stage he was going through.

 

Mathematicians will stop at nothing to avoid negative numbers.

 

Since I had my neckbrace fitted, I’ve never looked back.

 

Edinburgh City Council have been putting jokes on their litter bins during the festival with the caption "we will stop telling you jokes if you bin your litter"

I saw this one yesterday:

What did the fish say when it hit a brick wall?....

....Dam

Well it made me grin.

 

I have a Blur alarm clock so I wake up every morning listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustman.

 

One in four frogs is a leap frog.

 

My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

 

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

(No names, no pack drill )

 

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils.

 

My Dad was a very funny guy - the kind of bloke who could read out a telephone directory and it’d be funny. To be fair, he used to do it with his dick out.

 

I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.

 

I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me.
Until I fell into a printing press.