On Christmas eve, Trump was visited by three ghosts. Early in the night, the ghost of Franklin D Roosevelt appeared. When Trump asked him how he could make America great again, FDR replied “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face soured, and he yelled, “FAKE NEWS!” A few hours later, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asked, “How can I make America great again?” Washington replies, “I would suggest you never tell a lie.” This infuriated Trump. Around three in the morning, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, Trump asked, “How can I make America great again?” Lincoln replied, “Go to the theatre.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
16 year old Australian schoolgirl Jade Hameister last month become the youngest person in history to pull off the 'Polar Quest', skiing to the North Pole, the South Pole, and crossing the second largest polar ice cap on the planet, when she reached the South Pole. After completing the first leg - the North Pole - in 2016, when she was only 14, Jade had given a TEDx talk in Melbourne, which elicited some fairly sexist remarks from 'macho men'. This was her hilarious response - the perfect put-down, and one that belied her years...
Amusing - but there really are some dirty sods around... A huge dump someone regularly took, on the platform at Snaresbrook; Cleaners’ faces were livid, their expletives were vivid, and they cried “Catch him, by hook or by crook”.
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ? One is a kangaroo and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.” (Tim Vine)
Here is a book that you should ask for the next time you go to the library, Theo: Chinese Bondage in Peru by W. Stewart. Published by Duke University Press in 1951 or you could try Play with your own Marbles by J. J. Wright. That one may be harder to find as it was published in 1865 by E.W. Partridge. Then there is the book published in 1900 by Dodge Publishing Co. of New York The Gentle Art of Cooking Wives. I think this is was by Elizabeth Strong. She did write How to Cook Husbands in 1899 - same publishers.
Remember those book title/author jokes? I used to love those as a child. I always liked: “Easy Money” by Robin Banks
