I went to the local cemetery yesterday and as I was standing there I noticed 4 gravediggers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around. I thought to myself - they've lost the plot.
After all that effort, I have had my census form returned - Apparently, in answer to the question "Do you have any dependents?". My answer of:- Asylum Seekers, Gypos, Smackheads, Unemployable Lazy Bastards, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS and half of fecking Eastern Europe was not an acceptable answer!
A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.
An executive was in a quandary. Business was getting bad, he had to lay off one of his staff, and had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. Stuck for a suitable reason, he finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, and I’m sorry, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
A group of legionnaires strode through the scorching desert. They hadn't had water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week but they did not crack, and kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing. "Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?" And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery far-off object, inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice: "Sacre bleu, zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'am bush."
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu
A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You ****ER......Oh my god you STINK..........Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your' mother." By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Aah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?" So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird. The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer : Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Three Kiwis living in London decided to go to Cardiff to see Wales play the Barbarians. At the station they met three Aussie mates who were each holding their train tickets. The Kiwis asked the Aussies why they had bought three train tickets when they only needed one. They then said they'd show them why. When the ticket collector started to come down the aisle of the train the Kiwis piled into a toilet and locked the door. The ticket collector saw the engaged sign, knocked on the door as he said, "Tickets." The door opened enough for a hand to appear with a ticket which the ticket collector took and went on his way. After the game the three Aussies told their Kiwi mates that they had only bought one ticket for the return journey and thanked them for the tip. The Kiwis responed by saying that they didn't need any tickets to get back which puzzled the Aussies. When the ticket collector appeared the Aussies all piled into one toilet at the other end of the carriage and the Kiwis all got into the toilet opposite it. A minute later one of the Kiwis came out of their toilet, knocked on the door of the toilet containing the Aussies and said, "Tickets."
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one British solider: "One British solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One British solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One British solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them"
