Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

After a manic morning, time to chill a little and have some fun...

Hope you enjoy these:-

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuumcleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the
men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador.
"F*ck that" says Mick - "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.


Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it andthe smart arse sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside!
Do you think I should change dentists?

 

lol some excellent ones there! Thanks w-y

 

Ha ha there are some great ones in there. Particularly liked the first one.

Here's one I "think" I made up a few days ago. (I say "think" because I am certain I thought of this all by myself, but I can't decide if I have heard it before and convinced myself it is my own.)

Bulimia - Not something you want to bring up in conversation.

 

lol! Good one BBW, whoever made it up!

 

Thanks W-y very funny, now we have a thread for funnies

 

With apologies to Hornette and others ladies who understand the offside rule

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People --

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

oooh Leo playing with fire there I trust Mrs Leo doesnt use your computer often

 

lol...Men are happier coz they live in blissful ignorance

 

Okay, this one's a bit rude, so forgive me for not being a lady, just for a few mins

I saw a porn film last night about a woman giving a hand job to a carpenter, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer. It was called "Jack off all trades". Boom boom!

 

Hornette

 

W-y have you got any more of those funnies?

 

Norway - Couple of things:-

Quote from someone at Eastbourne:-

"Luton, are without doubt, the most graceless and ignorant club to ever arrive at Priory Lane. The directors appeared to believe that we were lucky that they had turned up, despite some looking like aging, balding chavs ..... if you cant understand that you need a ticket to get in then you need to check your understanding of football clubs in general. Shouting at people that 'I'm a Director' does not impress people when you look like a dustman."

Some others:-

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of someone else

 

Thanks w-y

 

My favourite ever graffiti:

I am getting no flagellation; I am getting no necrophilia; I am getting no bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

 

Ernie "This year we are not going to Skegness for our holidays"
Eric (in disappointed tone) "Where are we going then?"
Ernie "To Monte Carlo! Just imagine! Guaranteed good weather! Excellent food and wine! Beautiful girls in bikinis on golden beaches!"
Eric " Yes , but is it bracing?"

 

An old Mediterranean man was showing around a newcomer to his village. They stood on the edge of a cliff and the old man says to his guest:
You see these houses, these houses the villagers live in and call their own?
I build all these houses with my bare hands!
And do they call me Giuseppe the House-Builder? No!
You see those boats down there in the bay, these boats that give work and food to the village?
I build all these boats.
But do they call me Giuseppe the Boat-Maker? No!
You shag one sheep...!

With apologies to Leo ;-)

 

Nice one SLB

 

This one's a bit rude, so apologies, but it made me laugh:

Two female friends, incredibly drunk and walking home get caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she’d take off her underwear and use them, then throw them away.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to use that. They then made off for home.
The next day one woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said:
“We’d better keep an eye on our wives, you know. Mine came home last night with no knickers.”
“That’s nothing!” said the other, “Mine came back with a card stuck between her bumcheeks, that said
‘From all the lads at the fire station. We’ll never forget you’.”