Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick. Should I tell him that he's gay?
Did anyone see the photos taken from the air of the recent floods in Pakistan.......................... it looked like a big bowl of Coco Pops
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her? Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone
A guy goes for a job interview to be a blacksmith. They asks him, 'Have you ever shoed a horse before?' 'No,' he replies, 'But I once told a donkey to **** off.'
Whats the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies? You can't empty a truck full of sand with a pitchfork. What's funnier than 2 dead babies in a bin? 1 dead baby in 2 bins. What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An erection. What's the best thing about getting a blowjob of a 4 year old? Makes your dick look massive. Whats funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome. How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
Dammit, that was the one I was about to tell. But with a truckfull of marbles. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around for 3 days after you use it.
Women goes to Doctor complaing of stomach cramps. Doctor does some tests. "Not sure how to tell you this but I think you'll be needing to buy some nappies in 9 months time" says the Doctor "I'm pregnant?!" the woman replies "This is wonderful news!" "No, you have bowel cancer" ------------------------------ Difference between a washing machine and a 15 year old girl? A dishwasher won't follow you around for 3 months after you dump a load in it. ------------------------------- Latest Score From International Friendly France 8 Ethiopa didn't. ------------------------------------ My daughter's school uniform is quite slutty That's just one advantage of home-schooling. ------------------------------------- What file do you use to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A *****phile. ----------------------------------- I don't have sex with my girlfriend on religious grounds. Graveyards **** me up ---------------------------------- I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings. ---------------------------------- I'm pretty sure Maddie is dead by now But I can't risk calling in the doctor to check. --------------------------------- Had my wallet stolen the other day down the pub Police say the robber is now using my identity. Jokes on him though, I'm a registered *****phile and sex offender! ---------------------------------- Chatting to my teenage son... He said that he lost his virginity at a party the other night. I said "Good on ya son, did you use something?" "Yeah" he replied "A balaclava" ---------------------------------- Dr Smith sleeps with one of his patients... He is tortured with guilt. In one ear his evil conscience is saying "You're a single man... Dont worry about it...." In his other ear is his heavenly conscience is saying "You're a ****ing vet, you sick bastard" ------------------------------------------------------- Was watching a porno the other day and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her. Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection. ------------------------------------------------------ I love it when the ice cream van starts coming round I can see what's on offer for the long summer months. And which of them can deep throat a Mini Milk. ------------------------------------------------ My girlfriend called me a *****phile the other day... I was in absolute shock... ...that's a pretty big word for a 5 year old. ----------------------------------------------- I'm all ready for this fancy dress party... I'm going as Gary Glitter. The costume turned up this morning It's a bit small though, looks like it's for ****ing kids! ------------------------------------------------ I went to my new GF's for tea the other night As she was cooking she told me to turn the veg on. Apparently fingering her disabled sister was not what she meant. ---------------------------------------------- I still remember playtime at school... A bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds.... I ****in loved that caretaker job. --------------------------------------------- Watching my wife being fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and I had a ****. The midwife wasnt happy and I'm now banned from the hospital.. ----------------------------------------------
That's a **** version of: What's the difference between a virgin and a new washing machine? The new washing machine won't follow you about for three days after you put the first load in.
Watch out for the supermarket scam lads. Two female asylum seekers approach you while you are putting your shopping in the boot, they ask if you can give them a lift about a mile away, they get in the back and start snogging then one of them gets in the front seat and starts giving you a blow job, while you are otherwise engaged the one in the back seat nicks your wallet....... Be warned it happened to me twice Monday, three times Tuesday and again this morning
Caught my nan sucking grandads cock. I thought thats f****** disgusting. It should have been cremated with the rest of him.
A Pakistani runner was killed today, he was shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say its definitely race related.
That's a **** attempt at telling a joke that's already been told, which makes it a **** reply. But thanks for trying. How do you know your sister's on her period? Your dad's cock tastes of blood. Or, for Venom: How do you know when your mum's on her period? Your brother's cock tastes of blood. Take your ****ing pick.
Santa visits a childrens ward, first child he asks what he wants for xmas The boy replies i've always wanted to be a footballer but iv'e got no legs Santa dips into his sack & pulls out some new legs, there you go little boy happy xmas visits the next bed & asks the girl what she wants for xmas well santa i've always wanted to be a tennis player but ive got no arms santa dips into his sack again & pulls out some new arms, there you go happy xmas visits the third bed a black lad with just a head, and what would you like for xmas little boy the kid replies he wants to be a bodybuilder but he has no body santa dips into his sack , rummages about for 30 seconds then pulls out a piece of string And says to the boy, how do you fancy being a conker
It's still a **** version of my joke. You obviously don't understand the rudiments of comedy. Jog on now Guff.
My kids don't need a naughty step or a clatter If dere bold I tell them I'm going to get Katie McCann round to babysit.
Man buys a budgie. It kept repeating "Am a Scottish budgie Am tuf as ****". After a week the man is so fed up he buys a kestrel, put's it in the cage and said "lets see how tough you realy are", Next morning the kestrels dead, Budgie said "Am a Scottish budgie Am tuf as ****". Man buys a buzzard, put's it in the cage, next morning the buzzard's dead, Budgie said "Am a Scottish budgie Am tuf as ****". Man buys a golden eagle put's it in the cage, next morning the eagle's dead and the budgie has no feathers left, budgie said "had 2 take ma ****in jacket off for that yin!"
